Jaded

This post has been inspired by the song, I don't feel it anymore - by William Fitzsimmons...

william fitzsimmons i dont feel it anymore mp3 | lyrics

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I don't feel it anymore. Much of anything mostly offlate. It was all taken away? I lost it on the way? It's not here, where it matters anymore - and that's what matters. I don't feel it anymore; the care, the worry, the need - I don't see it anymore. Anything. Much of everything - it's all just flitting on by. 20 years and then, 10. Come and gone. I was young once. No more; I certainly don't feel it anymore. No reason to make me try, want to just more than get on by. Nothing to spur me on, better myself... For myself it is this way or that - who cares? Not I, I don't see much of anything anymore. I used to feel once, but it's certainly not so now, no more do I, for you've all taken it all away. The little glimmers of possibility that take life in my heart are put off like a candle just lit but drenched by rain. The down pour has become infertile. No more do the tears release the pain. It locks itself in and seems too afraid to breathe even. I've hurt for quite some time now, and I don't think all that time will ever be returned. To hope for a happiness in anything certain, seems not to be happening; it is to be taken away, just like all things else here, in this now and in this today. Leave it all, I wish for, to remove myself from everything and find peace in not feeling anything anymore. I'm fine. I don't need to feel or see any of it - any way.

Every time there remains a longing. I realise, I had fooled myself, but now time is up again - must come back to reality. Reality is the mother of all things hollow, painful, resounding those two traits over and over in order to achieve a complete cycle of pain and it's many myriads. You're still typing the angst out of an empty vessel, that wishes to bemoan a thousand and one things, but is lost with words not enough - perhaps words precise - to narrate itself. This is a longing pining to be filled. This is a pang longing to be fulfilled. This is an anguish hardly unleashed, barely assuaged of what it wishes to achieve. Buries itself in prayer and meditation; Dhikr. Ups and downs, to's and fro's. Redundant rebounds, absolute - paramount; Alas bare and vagabond. I confirm to nothing. Not I, nor my being. I only submit to the Will of the One, and His spin wishes me to swirl some more reels of lessons down pat, before I can breathe my last. With in these spins I have to find my smile, and mean it. With in these spins I have to unwind. The doubtful possible will be made possible - and on that note I shall end this diatribe, a rant even. 

I don't need to feel anything else, anymore - You, they, Hey, go on - take it all away, for I don't feel it anymore. The wait on for eternity will keep me going, nothing else from any of you do I need to feel something, only for it to go again. It did before, and it will - that is the only certainty. So just leave me with my thoughts, jaded as they and I together may seem. I don't need to feel anything, anymore. I will wait for that certainty, I will wait, certainly - I will wait forever more...

         

Today I Was Happy...

the weepies little bird mp3 | lyrics

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All my rights and wrongs came together today to celebrate me turning all of thirty and one. A silly feel good trick of my dear friend had me giggling whilst telling those who asked, how I turned four today, because three plus one is only four after all; silly nothings really... yet deep down, they all comprised to make a day full of blessings oh so sweet and humbling. Wishes coming from all corners of the world and all parts of my yesterdays and todays; all truly making me realise that no matter how little or big the birds around me be, they all come flying down upon me with love, affection, and good wishes of happiness. I shall strive thus in my tomorrows -inshaAllah- to be a better me to my all... Thank you my world of people; for loving me so truly, I must have done something somewhere to be so blessed, Alhumdulillah O Rabbi Al Ameen!!!

Left Behind to Stand the Test of Time

When did I get left behind
Standing tall through these winds of time
Watching with a smile as two hearts met
And on their journeys they got swept
With every day and its passing time
Fewer remained and thinned out stood your line
Those you could speak to and whom you'd understand
Remained far from plenty
And only you in your heart bore the knowing of lonely times...

But give up shall not I
Until this heart heaves, I must not cry
For a plan resolute was made by The All Knowing
And in His Knowledge my trust I should be showing
  As in His Decree is all good unseen
And only patience bequeathes its release
So in its wait with lips hushed from trembling
This heart shall sit in rest, to the self murmuring
Until time reveals what for me He has inscribed in stone as this world's Life...

InshaAllah, Ameen~

She Got Left Behind?

When did it happen
This; that she got left behind,
The race for some time now
had already started,
And she had most certainly
Never gotten out of the line...

Alas...

Destiny had it's own plans;
Recorded on its tablet of time
She was meant to be here
Weathering storms or whatever
Life was life; morose not for long
Being thankful was the real test of time.

Resilience Through A Reminisce?

Rihanna:
 

The things we do for attention
For a little moment in which to be noticed
All for what?
A test after test after test after test...
This too shall pass
It all has to date
You too shall become a memory
Hopefully to fade faster
Now that time has given us
Ample practice to weather such storms and breezes
Or just a slight draft even
Frail no more shall we be!
Force ourselves to be sturdy
Brush our shoulders we shall
No pain shall we let through
Resilience is the love that shall be ours to stay
Hope is our companion through pebbles such
That are strewn haphazardly along our every way
Let our head hang low we wont - Nay!
Our heart shall not dwell in dismay
What length and width giveth our silly moments and time
To something so trivial!
  A mountain of age old molehill
Boredom perhaps has tilled?
Who knows whether potential it had
Or was simply imagined
Another day, another plan
Time shall surely unravel
And in its wait our patience shall be the guide
Assuring that no disdain or angst
In our life shall stay too long to tar or mar
Our faith in all those whom we wish to remain by our side
In times of reminisce when we sit back tomorrow...

...inshaAllah, Ameen!

Delicately Plotted Lies

To have the ground pulled out from beneath your feet... To have been lied to...
When you felt that all in your world was right, 'cos in that one soul you entrusted all of your strife,
And for that one soul - you nearly gave away your still young and naive (or so now it seems) life,
Only to find that everything he'd said, shared, and put in visible sight,
Had been nothing but distorted, preplanned cards of his lies, and a non existent semi-life.
How much of what he'd said, had morsels of truth in it?
How much of what you thought were his kids, his feuds - really true?
From the looks of it, your heart in vain, in that time had sat down to pine.
From your findings post hankerings today - all of it had been vines and vines and just more vines,
Full of contorted lies, lies, and some more lies - that he'd been using to fill up with images devised just for your eyes,
And all this, his time and moment today, were at peace with despite crossing ethical ties...
While on a chance or fluke, let's call it, you fell upon a link today - leaving your suspicions aghast,
Stared on you did, at what was printed in fine ink - your eyes from behind a layer of un-shed dew,
Saw it all - Alas! What you had been lovingly fed; a meticulously prepared broth of deceitful stew!
She was proof of his loins, no more did I wish to find out any more...
Was my reality back then fabricated, a partial convenience, or who knows in how many parts true?
No more him or of him did I want my mind to think, or my heart care - No, damn sure no more!
All thoughts of him, as they used to stand and did too, until today,
Dear Mind, you must please eliminate them from the core of your all,
Their disgrace and everything that in it's lieu, has in your life happened, 
From this moment on, must be made to decease; no more be thought of, or in any way thus spewed.

Post ''Last Night''

''Last Night,'' I saw

and you came to mind;

Intermittently!

Your memories defied

came back to cry

along with those of another

whose in comparison

were but few

Then thought did I

to ask you and pry

if perchance you had seen it too

But stopped myself, I

and not even through an 'inbox' did try

(I just barely managed to deny myself of it all

with chastised thoughts in lieu)

I put my battered feelings aside

and to write this sat down instead:

So what if this heart cried

and so what if this soul felt deprived

Their faith in His Decree

must withstand all their doubts' many hues

In His Knowledge the past remained

and better than us only He Knew

of all that had since then ensued

In Such A Knowing I laid back to sigh

In His Assurance I again resigned to comply

and in hopes of His blessing me with patience

I breathed on to see what my future held

for a tomorrow that was deemed to be my better due

Release Yourselves

adele set fire to the rain mp3 | lyrics

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As we live it, you and I
We have not much left to blame
After all the pages turned
over and over
Pictures burned and removed
from their seamless covers
Pointless repeats you have become
The pain that came with you
The pain that left with you
Redundant musings;
Petrified, Molly Coddled, Lain to sleep
Reality sublime forever clear
in its moment leaves you awake
To truth not before seen
Dreams that were only dreams
Stark facts that you sit here ruffling through your brain
Nothing but an empty terrain; bare
Let yourself let them go
May it all sink in and finally rest
never to surface again...

Why, The Age Old, Why...

So you cry? Or do you choose to live the lies? Somewhere there are those who die. Somewhere there are those who live, but still won't. Where was it that you left her? Was it you who swept her, off her feet to places unknown? Was it you who forgot? Or, was it she who forgot? Where were you when the time came to live the promises? Was it you who broke them, or was it time who was the blamed mistress? Was it circumstance that came in the way, or was it weakness; perhaps fear the evil seamstress? Why was she not the one, while ''she'' was? Why were you not the one, when there was no one else? Why was loneliness so astute when patience was perched at a precipice? Why were answers sought, for questions already answered? Why did time deem it necessary to rewind vacant musings that held no good with in them? With in the why's lay another fold to the mysteries.

The Reel Rewound Itself

Her innocence was soiled
Her hopes
Her feelings
Her aspirations too

Then time played its toil
Her feelings uncoiled
And in a him her hopes
Aspired to live through

Her hopes were boiled
Life churned her feelings aside
And him she lost
Giving priority to her religious aspirations

Her innocence was soiled
Her hopes
Her feelings
Her aspirations too

Then time played its toil
Her feelings still coy
A friend found his way through
Giving her hope anew

Her aspirations changed
He played with her games
In hopes unfulfilled she remained
To greener pastures he trod off to leaving her shamed

Her innocence was soiled
Her hopes
Her feelings
Her aspirations too

Then time played its toil
Her emotions uncoiled
To his tune of reassurance
That ignited hope in her aspirations again

He spun his wonderful tales
Once enraptured was she
Truth he then confessed
And on a whole new level broke her entirety

Her innocence was soiled
Her hopes
Her feelings
Her aspirations too

And to time there on thus
No matter what tune life thrust
She heard not their songs
Her feelings froze and no one would she trust

They came for themselves
And they left her without
She learned from them though
Her hopes remained in a picture unframed

Her innocence was soiled
Her hopes
Her feelings
Her aspirations too

Otherwise Usually Manageable

You were perfection in all ways that mattered, and for those that didn't, I just did not see. All that stood in our way was the matter of your availability, for you had already been taken. Why did you have to step into my life knowing full well your restrictions, when you knew I would lap you up unknowingly. Why did you not stop me when you knew better, for did you not profess to care for my feelings? How could you care for my feelings and still not stop yourself - ourselves? Why would you be so selfish?

Who would have thought that your very selfishness would one day break me, thereby enabling me to hurt back, and in the process only hurt myself some more. Who would have thought that having buried moments deep, one day they would resurface -because of the most unimaginable things- in such poignancy that it would leave me shocked at my own inability to remain unperturbed -especially more so because I had myself convinced of having gotten past that past; the past that is you.

Recriminations of the self, from the self - Behest ye I, to leave me be again, please! I have no place for ye in my present day turbulence...




Avril Lavign : Alice (Underground)

My Little Birdie Said...

Exposed to wonders beyond my possible imaginations, I watch my little baby grow. She does me proud as she stands on her two feet, blooming into a beautiful woman; one of distinguished character, caring heart, timid disposition. She has developed a taste for art, literature and music, like I could have at best dreamed a thread of. She manages to develop tastes that I missed being even introduced to. What I got not, I am happy to see her live. Masha'Allah, my little baby lives for me what I could not. My time came and went before I could even stop to realize it was to have been enjoyed; alas sadly missed. Watch my little ones get it all, I shall persevere towards thus...

Thank you for sharing this beautiful song with me, my little boo! It hit scars -otherwise buried deep- the last few lines specifically!  





Susheela Raman: What Silence Said

Momentarily Bereft?

Keane : Everybody's Changing 



Trying to take a hold of my own spiraling thoughts, while the heart feels like it's literally about to shatter, and the head feels like any second now - it will explode... tears trekking their course downward in a mad rush, breathing uncontrolled... I attempt to calm myself down, I speak to God. I know I should get up and pray, the actions I am well aware of, yet something makes my arms and legs numb. I move instead to this medium, to let it all out; is it anger, frustration, loss, a mixture of it all, I don't know. I know that it hurts... again.

The again makes me hurt more than it did the last time it had hurt again. This probably makes sense to few, but I am speaking to myself, and so it should hardly matter if someone else understands this. Heck, I don't understand myself anymore! Everything keeps changing, I do too, yet somewhere inside me alongside all the changes - something never got to grow, change, recover... In slow motion with deep rooted pain, everything plays back in a barbaric fashion, teasing you with an uncanny unreal sound screaming how you will remain stuck here forever. Here? Where is this? Am I in it? Who am I? Do I even know myself?

People claim to tell you what you need, from the little bits they hear you tell them about yourself. Suddenly they have solved the mystery of you, that you all along have been left dumbfounded by. Do they really know you? Does the amount you shared even count as valid information? Because all that you left out has its dibs on the person you are too, does it not? Does it? Do I know? I think not. But, I also think they don't know me, because I don't know myself. I could spin this around forever, and cause a few brain cells to spark out of life, but that doesn't change the reality of me. It doesn't even begin to unfold the answers with which I seek to douse myself. Breathe in, breathe out... another attempt to calm myself down, yet dang darn it, again!

Untouched spirit I am not. A fair share of pains I have inflicted on to the souls of those who cared. Perhaps my havoc is a resultant concoction of their woes beset upon me, post my actions that caused them grief? Karma loves to entangle its chords, deep and firmly, and play out the gruesome music it thus enables itself to produce - piercing through your senses, making you aware of your actions. Is being sorry - ardently desperately genuinely so - ever enough? Every time you get shot down, hurt, or left to figure things out, there you are with your ''Pandoras chest'' - wide open once again - set on a self display for examination of where it was that you went SO wrong that THIS is happening to you now.

Your faith teaches you; you reap what you sow. Your faith teaches you; On no soul doth God place a burden heavier than it can bear. Your faith teaches you; There is a better good behind all that happens - we just don't know/see it yet. Your faith teaches you the best of pearls -beautiful things- and yet you flounder, you blunder, you fall astray, and you question! Oh boy, do you question! You love Him, and SO you question. You question, and you plead, and you repent, and you finally simmer down all spent. You tell yourself, this too shall pass, and you are better than this. He has to make it better, and if you allow your faith to stumble without picking yourself back up, you're only going to fall further down a broken road that will throw you totally off course. You don't want that. You want to traverse the paths of happiness. You want to find the road that is right. It always has been the road that you've ever truly sought, and its been the very road that has been truly wily.

In this struggle to find right - with in myself - and to be able to practice right - through my self and my actions - I shall persevere. How many will misjudge me, and how many I will drive away, I know not. But to find true escape from the madness that is capable of boiling inside of me, while compassing my own motives, is something I hope to be able to find. With out it I fear, I will burn myself down, and at this point I don't know where to go to get away from it all.

A Sajdah or two, followed by beads of remembrance...
Through them I hope to cleanse all thus spewed. 


Allahumma innaka affuwwun tuhibbul afwa fa'fu anni
In Allaha Ma'asaabireen
Hasbun Allaahu Waneymul Wakeel

I Don't Understand Why

In the deadlock of your own words,
You let your emotions churn; then burn,
Suffocating yourself into a spiraling mayhem
Unleashed from an unwanted yearn,
Ghastly spirit of which you thought
Was never again going to return.
But caught up with you it has -damn it-
When you were least expecting it,
And left you spent it has once again,
Hating yourself for being so unsuspecting
Of its power on return.
Thus locked in a furnace
Of your own silent moans,
Wide eyed awake you lie crying,
Hushing yourself to reach out once again
Towards that Silent Omnipresence
To calm you down yet again please,
Before your turmoil drags you past sober
Wishing for all things to come to a resounding end.



When my eyes are closed the greatest stories get told; On awakening I find my dreams shattered on the floor... To free my soul, where do I go... I sometimes find it trapped in between somewhere being alone and no place else to go...

(These last lines are from a song called, ''Heartbreaker'', by Enrique Iglesius. The changes have been made to make it personal for myself -that is- how I feel about things. I saw them this way for myself when I heard him say them his way in his words.)

Almost Incensed Stupor

Spitting fire, wantonly shameless
Saying whatever comes to mind

Bending no more in courtesy's crossfires
For sorry excuses: ''slashes their tires'' 

Takes no prisoners for this is no war, but
With words like fire, leaves all to perspire 

Has a pure heart with nothing to hide
All sorts of worries in One God confides.

Useless Memories Galore

This fight I fight, to not let you get to me...
This fight I keep losing yet still
Asides from some very inconsequent few.
This fight I want to fight no more...
Please Dear God free me from repeats;
Reminders of moments that I want not
I beg Thee to shut tight these doors
That for me release nothing but
An acute pain from useless memories galore.

Ameen.

Indubitable Reliability

When I broke the sanctity of what existed as you and I, I sat at the labyrinth of lies and began wading through pools of deceit, fighting the pulls of tempestuous waves inorder to remain lucidly adrift, desperately wishing to once and for all dock upon a shore of trustworthy relationships, with an unshakable faith in their indubitable reliability.





Abba , The Winner Takes It All

Those Yesterday's Lies

The chorus of the song took me to times of my own; times when the lies were okay with me because I was too naive to see through the reality of what they really were...

It's a place where in we numb the natural ability of our senses to gauge right from wrong, and refuse to listen to that nagging silent incessant prodding finger that keeps poking us in the back as a warning until it is either too late to go back, or the hurt, the pain and the scars have already warped themselves all around - all abound.

The chorus took me to that place... A reminder which looking back in retrospect, makes me wonder in bewilderment about how closed minded we can become in that phase of life; how willfully blind and intricately myopic.

A beautiful in the moment, yet utterly sad place to be looped with in, these lies of yesterday... I pray for them to never be my today's ever again.


(I originally wrote this for another song, but replaced it with the current song above, because the intensity of the love a person feels for another, is ripping in the singer's voice; she sings the emotions out as intricately as I feel them myself through tears that treckle down my cheeks in reminders of those times past. When one can be a love lorn fool, unaware of the realities of real life, immersed in the depths of a painfully honest, mostly -sadly- a one sided emotion.)

Sensitized Senseless Senses

Originally written through the course of the following dates: 20th Sept, 1st Oct (2009), and 8th Feb (2010).

Her hair caressed the bare of her back and she was transported to imaginations manifolds, with senses awakened beyond control.

Rude awakenings these, of reminisced thoughts so bold, but of a time in the real past; very old.

These senseless reminders clashed with a stark reality that in comparison was nothing but severely lonely and lonesomely cold...

As her hair caressed the bare of her back, she went back into a time - revered and loathed - then coerced herself back to a state of cleansed and humbled abode!

YOU; Before, Present and After

I had disappointed myself into a state that I feared, I would never be able to forgive myself for, first and foremost.
Beg on for forgiveness from quarters Basic, would remain an endless plight for life that remained.

They had all made the same mistake.
They had nudged me into areas that went past my comfort zone and beliefs.
They had tempted me into things that I knew I would later regret doing,
Simply because they went against my morals and I hated myself thereafter.

That was the difference between them and me; The -me- that I always knew I was, wished to be and remain so.
The very -me- that I choose to go back to being, now.

It is a -you- I seek; you who will understand this me...