Aspiring to not plead, but be offered...

The weary pendulum keeps swaying back and forth in between making a resolute decision one day and having debilitating questions foam back up to the point of drowning me on another. Words spoken keep coming back of their own accord; haunting me. It doesn't make sense for the one to have said such things, albeit in only a half attentive part sleepy state, but for one to simply disappear mid-throbbing-conversation...? It is a whole another ask of me to leave where one is not wanted. But, to leave where one was assured they are dearly wanted... this, this is an unkind thing to be asked to do.

'Are you trying to figure out how to do this, or are you precariously bordering on an unappetising form of stalking?'

Surely making dua'as for a person's well being absolves me or my actions of being saddled with a negative label. If only the road blocks would be removed, and the walls of silence pierced... Perhaps then some answers could be found to appease the roaring ravaged mind that is left in the wake of this storm. The soul refuses to back down and sit in silence. Amidst prayer it needs to also do all it can before it must accept failure and lay down to rest all it's arms, in order to find some semblance of peace.

''You should not have to plead, you deserve to be offered.'' This keeps playing back in my mind, over and over on repeat.

Inn Allaaha Ma'as Saabireen. Allahu Musta'an. Allahumma Antas Salaam.

''Allah is the Protector of those who believe. He brings them out from darkness into light.''
(Al-Quran 2:257)

''Oh Allah, place within my heart light, and upon my tongue light, and within my ears light, and within my eyes light, and place behind me light and in front of me light and above me light and beneath me light. O Allah, Bestow upon me light.''

Ameen.

The missing Rib?

The news keeps telling me there is unrest where you are... My mind thinks about the effects of that, alongside the effects of thoughts of you in my heart here, where it mysteriously pinches and bites. Physically, you nor I can see it. What hurts is knowing that right now in this I am alone. I can pray and find spiritual sanctuary, but my physical form aches to reach out and bridge this distance fast. It wants to walk unruffled, beside the havoc of the strung-out world on display, preciously held within the calm surreal black succour you offered. What you offered may live inside my head for however long it is meant to breathe, as only Allah swt Knows Best. What I beg for, screaming with my insides on fire in my agonising struggle alone, is that promised Mwaddah wa Rahmah, followed by a precious coolness of the eyes, and heart, and mind, and being, insha'Allah ta'Allah. I need more grace than what others see in me, or preach at me. On either ends of that measure I find myself lacking. Take me to him, Ya Allah, whose rib you fashioned me from. My bones wish to be reunited. My being wishes to find home in those arms. My head wishes to rest upon that chest. My heart wishes to hear the synonymous beat. My insides twist with wishes upon wishes not knowing whether this tide will throw itself upon my shore or recede apologetically like all other tides, never to return. One day my shore too will not be left dry. InshaAllah, Ameen.

Such a Brief Picking of 'Nuts'

You saw the crimson in the sky and thought of me... Now I will wipe away tears at any sight of the colour crimson, or a sun setting scene somewhere, anywhere, or just a static bleeding horizon in real life or pictures. Were the raven-crows flying away from it, or into it? This shall remain a mystery, as shall knowing whether black was actually succour or just a swift and sudden unexpected cloak of painful gloom.

And Allah Knows Best

‘‘And Allah said: I am with the ones whose hearts are torn.’’ - Hadith Qudsi

So close, waiting for you to reach…
So near, waiting for you to speak…
Closer than your jugular vein
Knowing more about what you feel,
What you’re going to think,
Before you think it; feel it.
So call, reach out, speak,
For He remains but a prostration away,
For He remains but a dua away,
Your lips need not even move,
Your breath need not even heave,
All your soul needs to do is move towards Him,
Speak to Him through your soul,
For it is the soul that will forever live,
And it is your soul that needs to be fed,
Constantly – with His rememberance,
With His company, with His comfort,
Which only He can provide.
So seek Him, reach out to Him,
And He shall hear,
He shall provide in ways that you cannot even imagine,
In ways that you could have never asked for,
Because He Knows Best when to give,
What to give, and how to give…

Lonesome Thoughts

As she sat there traversing pages, she consoled her lonely heart; for that ear that could not hear, for that hand that could not hold, for that shoulder that could not be leaned against, for that person whose presence could not be shared… To find reason, to find a purpose, to find peace in sharing the beauty that can be and the beauty that is this life – for there can be only so much beauty that can be shared alone, supplicating to its Maker. He Himself put the need in her human body – and so to Him she turned and asked for Help. Oh Allah – make it permeate and reach to the core where it is most profoundly awaited – Your peace and contentment, through your gifts: the feeling of being whole – Ameen!

A Place Somewhere Near 'You'

You know the pain I live; I’m speaking to You, my Maker. The Fashioner of it all; start to finish, and all the in betweens’. I am imploring, beseeching, continuously crushing this heart’s screeching – the pain sometimes feels like it will explode – but You stop it from crumbling, and therefore to You it continues to turn to… Please my Lord suspend these needs and abate their transient hollowness. Make this heart, mind, body, and soul strong enough for the lessons that are intertwined in all that happens - To and Fro. The ride gets too rough, and only You are the balance that can keep it steady or afloat. Please my Lord extend your Hold – for my hands are outstretched waiting, and You’re my only constant Hope – from dawn to midnight, my only companion through the sun, rain, dust storms and star lights. This lonesome walk, rejected reputation desperately needs Your Assurance – That the sea will part and a way will show; That the fire will cool and the heat will be no more; That I will get out of the well alive; That the Whale will blow me out of its belly; And that on Your ship I will survive the storm of this life as it carries me to a shore of Permanence somewhere near You – where there will be no pain, no expectations, no heartache, no loneliness no more – insha’Allah; Ameen.