Follow the One

Have you struggled like so? When enough was too much and too much not enough? When this said don't and that said go for it? The places you reached were not there yet and the places you still had to reach had long been gone. You put it in your mouth but there was nothing to chew on, and you kept chewing and chewing and chewing but there was nothing but bile in your throat and polluted air seeping silently into your lungs. Have you ever felt like running with the wind in your hair, everything passing you by, but when you look down at your feet your knees refuse to budge and your back is paralysed. When your arms were picking up the weight of the world but when you looked down at your hands they were blue and white, empty and cold. Do your veins play hide and seek with the eyes or does the needle easily pass through? Does the air feel too thin to breathe or is it too heavy that you feel suffocated? The hair on your head stands sometimes while you wish it stroked your back like silk, and hers lay in a tangled silky knotted mess when she tried to curl it up into curls that you thought were a mess. Was that the sound of someone casually walking into your heart or was that the door you had banged shut, being rattled and torn by all those you refused to let in; why do they cause you such stress, what is it that puts you under such inexplicable duress? The eyes keep looking at beauty while beauty its own tale keeps spinning on. It pays a visit to their doorstep, goes into all houses and surrenders itself to the horizons and valley of the world, but every time it hears you seek it in yourself it leaves the mirror blank and the heart distressed. Do you like the colour of all things around you? Do they tell you of wonders galore? Your ears listen to everyone speak but no one can hear the thud of voices that tingle and tangle within your minds silent screams. The mouth refuses to move and the tongue remains chained. The mouth begins to speak but the voice cannot exclaim. So follow the words of The One. Leave behind all else, and everyone. Many moons have risen and fallen all at the command of The One. Your sun and shade too will one day at His direction come; insha'Allah - Ameen.




* Inspired by Follow the Sun, by Caroline Pennel, from the movie To the Bone

Aspiring to not plead, but be offered...

The weary pendulum keeps swaying back and forth in between making a resolute decision one day and having debilitating questions foam back up to the point of drowning me on another. Words spoken keep coming back of their own accord; haunting me. It doesn't make sense for the one to have said such things, albeit in only a half attentive part sleepy state, but for one to simply disappear mid-throbbing-conversation...? It is a whole another ask of me to leave where one is not wanted. But, to leave where one was assured they are dearly wanted... this, this is an unkind thing to be asked to do.

'Are you trying to figure out how to do this, or are you precariously bordering on an unappetising form of stalking?'

Surely making dua'as for a person's well being absolves me or my actions of being saddled with a negative label. If only the road blocks would be removed, and the walls of silence pierced... Perhaps then some answers could be found to appease the roaring ravaged mind that is left in the wake of this storm. The soul refuses to back down and sit in silence. Amidst prayer it needs to also do all it can before it must accept failure and lay down to rest all it's arms, in order to find some semblance of peace.

''You should not have to plead, you deserve to be offered.'' This keeps playing back in my mind, over and over on repeat.

Inn Allaaha Ma'as Saabireen. Allahu Musta'an. Allahumma Antas Salaam.

''Allah is the Protector of those who believe. He brings them out from darkness into light.''
(Al-Quran 2:257)

''Oh Allah, place within my heart light, and upon my tongue light, and within my ears light, and within my eyes light, and place behind me light and in front of me light and above me light and beneath me light. O Allah, Bestow upon me light.''

Ameen.

Tether Ye Were Not It Seems

The real test begins when you pine in silence, in between prayer, your own audience, and your tears. When you console yourself that The One Who Listens to all, can hear you. When you pray ever more fervently that He will Help you through this because He has a Plan better for you than you can understand. As you traverse the lanes of memories that will be evoked at random, of words shared, of likes and dislikes, of shared emotions and opinions and wishes, every stroke of that uninvited memory will grate at your patience and hankerings. You will break, shatter, crumble, moan, and hold yourself. You will try to breathe in and breathe out as calmly as the moment will allow it, and not let yourself remain on the ground. You will pick yourself back up again. You know how to do this. Life has been a constant practice of doing just this. There are so many compartments that have been designated to demons conquered. You know you can do this. Yes, there will be times of weakness, when questions will haunt you and make you wonder what it was that you could have done otherwise. Yes, there will be times of sadness when you will imagine how beautiful things could have been if only you were not hoping on things alone, but you are. Hoping on things alone. And alone, you can only do so much. So it is best to keep letting go of what has left you. Chasing it is every kind of painful and will leave you ever more so profoundly alone. Hug your soft covers, your pillows, your cushions and be thankful for having these blessings. The blessings that many others don't. So what if they aren't as warm as an actual body. So what if they don't hold you back. At least they offer some comfort as opposed to none. The privacy of your room allows you to relive things in peace. It allows you to cry and pray and beg your Maker in ways where you are free to turn your insides out and pour your grief out to Him unabashedly. Be grateful that your Maker permits you to use His words, His praises, His names, and reach out to Him. In grief many have lost their way. Be grateful you know how to respond to your grief. You are alone, but never so without Him being with you always. He may not be the body that your body was made to crave. But He is your Maker and He will bring you out of this new pain. He will help you fashion a new compartment for this fresh loss and He will Help you get through the prickly path where the roses of words shared will tempt and entice you with their scents, as well as prick you with the thorns of their impermanence, their transient visit into your life; Brief, oh so unreal, surreal, call it whatever you may, but that's what it was. The roses were never meant for eternity. Let the memory of that scent fade away, because if it were meant to stay, it would have found a home within the confines of your precious book, to leave a permanent ink of it's form, or a debris of it's existence, albeit more delicate in it's dried out form, but a presence nonetheless. It's existence would have been proof of it's commitment, and you have nothing but static that typed itself out via a format of numbers and words. It was a binary, a code... human? No one knows because experience tells you many humans come in the most mechanical forms just to short circuit your entire being, with intentions of passing time where you are the toy that gathered their attention for now. You are not a tether for no camel. Only Allah Knows what you are because at most times usually, you are quite a susceptible fool. Your one worthy trait is that at least you can pray. Always be grateful for that. Pray to Him to make you more resilient and more alert to the dangers of those who wish to rouse your heart and feelings with no intentions to stick around and honour you. Honouring things takes more heart and strength of character than what most of this world is capable of offering. So be careful and save yourself before another fall. Your injuries sustained thus far may be plentiful, but you have so much to be grateful for. Just never let go of that. Sabr and Shukr will get you through this life always. Never let go of them. Wash yourself of the pain you feel right now and stand back up in prayer. When your head bows down; weep, and when you rise back up; breathe, and when you are done; savour that moment of inexplicable peace. May He The Most Loving, always be enough for you. Ameen.

Demons of Their Past

All it took was a picture of you in baby blue and white.

It pierced through the cemented walls
The grave I thought was permanent, shattered open.
Rose back out Alexander the great,
Arousing the hairs on the back of everything alive
To stand up and scream
To brace themselves and shriek in agony
From unwelcome memories.
Go back to sleep please.
Go to Italy, Go back to Germany,
San Francisco, Brazil, Goa, Juhu,
Go where ever it is that love embraces you
And wear that ring proud
It shines so bright
As did the prospect of you and I once
But that was an embryo that was miscarried long ago.
The placenta has been laid down to rest
So now please let the lens of the other
Shoot you in your glamour in privacy
There is no room for this view I have of you
in my suggested feed, on the right, under a post,
or an invite of an add request from another brother.
Go away; I know you never wanted to
I pushed the doors closed and I left you screaming in the dark
But that darkness was all enveloping
And it was a salve that needed to be applied
The scrapes were blistering and the wound was deepening
The pain would never go away so the pill had to be gulped
And years later it seems the effects have begun wearing thing
So I turn to an empty page and scream into this empty night
And tell the song ringing in the background to truly fade away
For Where you are now is of no use to me.
The monsters only know how to run wild
And the torment of years ago needs to rest.
Crushing what was real and breathing
For I am not prepared to have to do it again.
I can’t. You can’t. We can’t.
It was never meant to be
So please take your baby blue and white
And leave my breath alone.
I need to let it all be faded.
No shadows. No etchings. Nothing.
The water will always haunt me
But that is also truly where I find
Some semblance of a salvation.
Ya Allah – You are The Effacer.
Please Cleanse me and Hold Me.
For you I walked away and I desperately
need You to Efface me and Love me!
Ameen.

Misunderstandings and Gaps

Sometimes we get so used to having conversations with ourselves that we forget how much gets lost when we don't actually speak all that was in our head to people. What was said out loud and what wasn't becomes a blur and misunderstands happen. Only compassion can heal such slips. Usually of a Divine kind. Us people seldom have such a big heart.

When Everything Aches

Every part of me feels broken, inside out. Heal all of us who are broken, Ya Allah. Only You Know how. Protect us from all that is evil around us. Only You Know what we need saving from. Ameen Ya Rabb Al Ameen.

Fighting Despair

When I look to the world it brutally crushes my hopes and tells me all about how 'this' isn't possible and 'that' will never happen. Then I remind myself of The Maker of all things and I shout out, ''Ya Lateef! Ya Jabbar! Ya Fattah, iftah alayy! Oh the Most Subtle One, The Compeller, The Opener of all doors and gates, and everything else, please Open up my way! I ask not of the world whose people tell me of all things impossible! I ask You, O Creator of all things, You for Whom nothing is impossible! Please send me that which my heart is too afraid to put into words to ask of You, forever seeking right words and never being able to form them; Please send to me from Your infinite bounties a beautiful patience, contentment, peace, happiness and gratefulness in all forms and things of this life; Please send upon me Your infinite Mercy and Khair; I am your heedless forgetful wanting creation begging You to never Forsake me, and to Fill me up in the places that feel empty and bereft of Your Blessings; Please Hold me close Ya Wudood, The Most Loving, Oh Alllah! Allahumma Ameen.''

Families and Celebrations

Some families come together to celebrate while some families forever wait to come together to celebrate. Some families celebrate together. Some families try to forget what isn't right and work on celebrating together. Both families pray. Only Allah swt Knows how to fix what feels not right. May He Heal and Uplift both families. Ameen.

Leela; Where I Paused, Breathed, and Prayed

I sit here tonight, my last night here insha’Allah for the foreseeable future. Tears stream down my face, for it is not just tonight, but every night that I need to be more grateful. It has been ever more heavy on my heart where I feel that I am unable to express my gratitude to my Lord. I have moments of no emotion and thoughts, while I live my now – and my now, when I stop to think about it, is grand and splendid and everything rich. It is my blessing. It is my now. Am I making the most of it? Am I being grateful enough? Have I taken advantage of it as I was meant to? Has it given me peace and contentment? Am I looking deeper into in a now that is not any deeper than I have already reached? Why am I feeling like I am missing something? I ache from a fear that I may be doing something wrong? I deliberately am not. I consciously am trying to do all things right. I pray I am not wasting my grace. I pray I am doing justice with the share that I have been endowed with and blessed with. I am surrounded by splendor and majesty; in spirit and in manifest glory. I am in the middle of it. Every ounce of me, when it just stops and feels, overwhelms itself to tears. Tears seem to have become my expression of happiness, joy, reaction to beauty, sadness, responses to pain, brokenness, and everything else in between. Are tears going to be my salvation as I tread forward onto a shaken path, finding myself again? If nothing else, I pray my eternity will remove all doubt and shower me with a union of unparalleled peace and happiness. I want to be grateful for everything else until then. I pray my fallen grace never fails to get back up and say thanks. I pray my hope never bleeds out. I pray that the overwhelming questions go to sleep and wake up to answers that will stand sturdy, take my hand, and all will be alright. Insha’Allah. Oh Allah, please accept my thanks, for everything. For every moment and thing and person who helps me remember You more. Please bless them. I love You.

I Lived Another Day

Forgiveness of Sins

I wear my sins upon my skin,
as it breaks and peels about me,
This disgrace I accept...
With every wear and tear of my bones,
I wilt within, remembering
the roads of folly and brave naivette
that they chose to walk upon,
Their weakness I accept...
This heart, this soul,
and all the memories
which they begrudgingly encapsulate
I writhe in pain from them being evoked
For in my power their dousing
does not work,
dismembering each segment
of how when and why they surfaced
the mind to its fate surrenders
and the soul that in its myriads
had fornicated,
lies naked and begging to be
wiped clean, be washed,
and be purified of all memories
that come alight when a random
story is being told
and it’s masked glory is
shining like soldered gold...
For a jaded heart and its sordid mess
has no place for promises
that lied and tore
as they unabashedly caressed
the surface clean and left it disgustingly black.
Forever scrubbing...
washing...
scraping...
peeling...
wishing to undo the layers,
of stench and hell
that each memory played
on its beaten mattress
Upon which the soul laid down
and recoiled…
I close my eyes; shut them very tight
And my lips fervently beg.
My soul travels till where
You, my Lord, will allow it go
in its sleep or when awake
and my soul continues
to throw itself upon Your Walls
and burns in hope for your Mercy
That one day this soul of mine
will be freed; totally cleansed
like a new born baby,
and with Your Permission
the heart will beat again.
With Your Permission
it will breathe again.
With Your Permission
the soul will be granted
entry into Your Haven
and will thence never fall again.
Inna lillahi wa inna ilaihi rajioon.
To God; Allah, we belong
and to Him is our return.

Tawakkul

When it rained in Makkah...

I saw pictures today, of the Ka’aba in Makkah… with water pouring down all its sides, and then pictures of Makkah being flooded...

My mind filled up with thoughts of how I last saw the mosque under heavy construction and renovations, just over 2 weeks ago myself – and my imagination ran awry with a barrage of what if scenarios; of what torrential rain could do in terms of wreaking havoc upon the many pilgrims and the hundreds upon hundreds of people visiting the Holy Mosque. My mind went into fast forward, crying instantly… worrying about how all these people from afar put their hearts and savings into bringing themselves to this House of Allah, to pour their hearts out and beg for mercy and miracles – and how they would be greeted with this hardship, making it ever more so hard… so hard because they won’t be able to pray surrounded by so much water… so hard because every ritual would become tougher and more testing… and in that short moment when I came upon this news, I started searching the internet for videos.

 The first one I found showed people praying in the puddles of water surrounding the Ka’aba, as if there was nothing out of place… I saw this and it made me want to cry even more – while my younger sister, watching from beside me said – ‘‘Think about how their dua’s are being granted as they make them – because not only are they in the House of Allah, but they’re praying while it’s raining!’’ and I thought – subhaanAllah… we really focus on things from such different places… we – the people i.e.

Then later in the day, I came upon a post from one of my favourite teachers::

‘‘The first thing, the last thing, and indeed everything that my teacher taught me, can be summarized as: always be grateful to the Lord. After the shocking floods in Makkah yesterday, I called him:

Me: Shaykh, are you ok?

Shaykh: We are drowning in His Mercy, not in the flood.

Allahumma lakal hamd ya Rabb, always and forever.’’

We – the people, have so much more to learn, so far to go… May our Lord give us patience, resilience and grace through the toughest of times, and may He bless us to be forever grateful, come snow, wind, hail, rain or shine – in all aspects of our lives – Allahumma Ameen wa lakal hamd wa la hawla wala quwwata illa billa wa la illaha illAllah wa AllahoAkbar

Mayhem - Death

*Picture taken from the internet: Source unknown


With dirt across their face in streaks
Grimy hands and cracked feet
Shirts strewn with blood and…

Doesn’t your heart shriek
Don’t your eyes weep
They are desperate for you and I
to do something
before all and everything
that we knew to be life
is destroyed by their
bomb and gunfire speak
Age is not even a number
as their bodies are piled high
One across another
Two on top of their mother
brother sister aunty uncle
They’re all holding hands
of aged worried grandparents
stooped, then maligned and buried
beneath a ravaged son and a father
who holds his new born bundle
blown to pieces before he could
even kiss its cheek
The unborn fetus that couldn’t
even make it into this world
before it was wrenched
into uncountable pieces of a family
drenched and buried in their own blood
Lineages wiped out before humanities eyes
Havoc is hurled about
And all its creations lie asunder

Oh Lord! Please send your Mercy?

With dirt across his face
Grimy hands, cracked feet
Tears in streaks upon streaks
Tattered clothes strewn with blood!

That Shore Where...

My Lord, please…

Take me to a shore that allows me to float upon it, take my time, and come to a semblance of some rest…

Take me over to a bridge that stands around me, gives me strength, and saves me from tipping myself and falling over...

Take me to a road that can bear the weight of me upon it, and allow me to walk straight on to a place where I seem to need to go…

To a house that is built with walls of sturdiness, with boulders of peace, cemented with an abundance of mercy…

Give me a heart serene and calm, that sees beauty in all things - and if not - it still tries very hard to…

Give me eyes that are not mere tools which judge all that is unfamiliar and new…

Take me to a place where the shore will let me float about it, and hold me close to its bosom…

Where I will have come home, and all will be right with everything…

Insha’Allah; Ameen.

To One Day...

SubhaanAllah – Glory be to Allah!

To one day hear that all was not futile,

To know that the heart can now rest

and all the tests are over,

The weights have been lifted,

The measures recorded,

The road ahead clear and sharp,

The walk ahead easy and quick,

To know that the wait is finally over,

To be on the other side,

And look back in wait to see

Who else from your loved ones

Will be joining you; freed

To stand my ground

And breathe in the most beautiful scents

To look around and see 

All the beautiful souls at peace

To be absolutely happy

The likes of which 

Could never be imagined

To hear my Lord say – Go!

Your sins have all been forgiven

And to Heaven is thy decree

And in Heaven shall thee reside!

SubhaanAllah – Glory be to Allah!

To hear those words be uttered to me,

To have them etched beyond just in my heart

To have them actually be made my reality

My heart and soul, mind, body and everything

It truly pines, and it awaits its destiny

In forbearance and repentance

In hope and in faith

It thrives and it waits

Inn Allaaha ma’a’Saabireen

For indeed, Allah is with

The patient ones.

Ameen.

And Allah Knows Best

‘‘And Allah said: I am with the ones whose hearts are torn.’’ - Hadith Qudsi

So close, waiting for you to reach…
So near, waiting for you to speak…
Closer than your jugular vein
Knowing more about what you feel,
What you’re going to think,
Before you think it; feel it.
So call, reach out, speak,
For He remains but a prostration away,
For He remains but a dua away,
Your lips need not even move,
Your breath need not even heave,
All your soul needs to do is move towards Him,
Speak to Him through your soul,
For it is the soul that will forever live,
And it is your soul that needs to be fed,
Constantly – with His rememberance,
With His company, with His comfort,
Which only He can provide.
So seek Him, reach out to Him,
And He shall hear,
He shall provide in ways that you cannot even imagine,
In ways that you could have never asked for,
Because He Knows Best when to give,
What to give, and how to give…

The Art of Keeping the Heart Alive

You’re at your lowest when the heart starts sinking and everything seems hopeless,
Then you remind yourself that everything, despite what is apparent, is for your greater good,
And this is when the steadiness of faith kicks in; Things fall back into perspective,
Hope surfaces again, Faith leads the former weak self to a stable place of peace and contentment,
Knowing that all is right because each time it was the Best of Planners Who lead it to where it got,
One can only taste the sweetness of this place if one has been blessed with practicing
The art of keeping the heart alive through His remembrance, His Tasbih, His Dhikr:
Allah is the Best of Planners and He is sufficient for us – HasbunAllahi Wanemal Wakeel,
Lahawla Wala Quwwata Illa Billah – There is no might nor power except by Allah.

Lonesome Thoughts

As she sat there traversing pages, she consoled her lonely heart; for that ear that could not hear, for that hand that could not hold, for that shoulder that could not be leaned against, for that person whose presence could not be shared… To find reason, to find a purpose, to find peace in sharing the beauty that can be and the beauty that is this life – for there can be only so much beauty that can be shared alone, supplicating to its Maker. He Himself put the need in her human body – and so to Him she turned and asked for Help. Oh Allah – make it permeate and reach to the core where it is most profoundly awaited – Your peace and contentment, through your gifts: the feeling of being whole – Ameen!

Waiting on Happiness?

Your heart bursts into innumerable pieces in happiness for the people who shared their news; Two very beautiful ones – a friend who got married after a long wait for ‘the one’, and another friend who had a baby girl. While you sit and cry out of joy for them – truly… deeply – you don’t know when that cry turns inward for yourself, bent upon focusing on things that you yourself never got. You appease your heart that Allah knows best, and perhaps your time is to be longer in length, more lengthy in wait, than what others your age went through – and with that reminder you wipe away your tears and smile wider for them in complete joy, for their happiness. May they be blessed with the best that this world has to offer and be carried to the best of the Final Abode too – Ameen. May my wait be accompanied by infinite strength to ride me through to the shores that are meant to be mine, and may my heart be content with it all – Ameen.