Jaded

This post has been inspired by the song, I don't feel it anymore - by William Fitzsimmons...

william fitzsimmons i dont feel it anymore mp3 | lyrics

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I don't feel it anymore. Much of anything mostly offlate. It was all taken away? I lost it on the way? It's not here, where it matters anymore - and that's what matters. I don't feel it anymore; the care, the worry, the need - I don't see it anymore. Anything. Much of everything - it's all just flitting on by. 20 years and then, 10. Come and gone. I was young once. No more; I certainly don't feel it anymore. No reason to make me try, want to just more than get on by. Nothing to spur me on, better myself... For myself it is this way or that - who cares? Not I, I don't see much of anything anymore. I used to feel once, but it's certainly not so now, no more do I, for you've all taken it all away. The little glimmers of possibility that take life in my heart are put off like a candle just lit but drenched by rain. The down pour has become infertile. No more do the tears release the pain. It locks itself in and seems too afraid to breathe even. I've hurt for quite some time now, and I don't think all that time will ever be returned. To hope for a happiness in anything certain, seems not to be happening; it is to be taken away, just like all things else here, in this now and in this today. Leave it all, I wish for, to remove myself from everything and find peace in not feeling anything anymore. I'm fine. I don't need to feel or see any of it - any way.

Every time there remains a longing. I realise, I had fooled myself, but now time is up again - must come back to reality. Reality is the mother of all things hollow, painful, resounding those two traits over and over in order to achieve a complete cycle of pain and it's many myriads. You're still typing the angst out of an empty vessel, that wishes to bemoan a thousand and one things, but is lost with words not enough - perhaps words precise - to narrate itself. This is a longing pining to be filled. This is a pang longing to be fulfilled. This is an anguish hardly unleashed, barely assuaged of what it wishes to achieve. Buries itself in prayer and meditation; Dhikr. Ups and downs, to's and fro's. Redundant rebounds, absolute - paramount; Alas bare and vagabond. I confirm to nothing. Not I, nor my being. I only submit to the Will of the One, and His spin wishes me to swirl some more reels of lessons down pat, before I can breathe my last. With in these spins I have to find my smile, and mean it. With in these spins I have to unwind. The doubtful possible will be made possible - and on that note I shall end this diatribe, a rant even. 

I don't need to feel anything else, anymore - You, they, Hey, go on - take it all away, for I don't feel it anymore. The wait on for eternity will keep me going, nothing else from any of you do I need to feel something, only for it to go again. It did before, and it will - that is the only certainty. So just leave me with my thoughts, jaded as they and I together may seem. I don't need to feel anything, anymore. I will wait for that certainty, I will wait, certainly - I will wait forever more...

         

Today I Was Happy...

the weepies little bird mp3 | lyrics

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All my rights and wrongs came together today to celebrate me turning all of thirty and one. A silly feel good trick of my dear friend had me giggling whilst telling those who asked, how I turned four today, because three plus one is only four after all; silly nothings really... yet deep down, they all comprised to make a day full of blessings oh so sweet and humbling. Wishes coming from all corners of the world and all parts of my yesterdays and todays; all truly making me realise that no matter how little or big the birds around me be, they all come flying down upon me with love, affection, and good wishes of happiness. I shall strive thus in my tomorrows -inshaAllah- to be a better me to my all... Thank you my world of people; for loving me so truly, I must have done something somewhere to be so blessed, Alhumdulillah O Rabbi Al Ameen!!!

Left Behind to Stand the Test of Time

When did I get left behind
Standing tall through these winds of time
Watching with a smile as two hearts met
And on their journeys they got swept
With every day and its passing time
Fewer remained and thinned out stood your line
Those you could speak to and whom you'd understand
Remained far from plenty
And only you in your heart bore the knowing of lonely times...

But give up shall not I
Until this heart heaves, I must not cry
For a plan resolute was made by The All Knowing
And in His Knowledge my trust I should be showing
  As in His Decree is all good unseen
And only patience bequeathes its release
So in its wait with lips hushed from trembling
This heart shall sit in rest, to the self murmuring
Until time reveals what for me He has inscribed in stone as this world's Life...

InshaAllah, Ameen~

Release Yourselves

adele set fire to the rain mp3 | lyrics

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As we live it, you and I
We have not much left to blame
After all the pages turned
over and over
Pictures burned and removed
from their seamless covers
Pointless repeats you have become
The pain that came with you
The pain that left with you
Redundant musings;
Petrified, Molly Coddled, Lain to sleep
Reality sublime forever clear
in its moment leaves you awake
To truth not before seen
Dreams that were only dreams
Stark facts that you sit here ruffling through your brain
Nothing but an empty terrain; bare
Let yourself let them go
May it all sink in and finally rest
never to surface again...

Momentarily Bereft?

Keane : Everybody's Changing 



Trying to take a hold of my own spiraling thoughts, while the heart feels like it's literally about to shatter, and the head feels like any second now - it will explode... tears trekking their course downward in a mad rush, breathing uncontrolled... I attempt to calm myself down, I speak to God. I know I should get up and pray, the actions I am well aware of, yet something makes my arms and legs numb. I move instead to this medium, to let it all out; is it anger, frustration, loss, a mixture of it all, I don't know. I know that it hurts... again.

The again makes me hurt more than it did the last time it had hurt again. This probably makes sense to few, but I am speaking to myself, and so it should hardly matter if someone else understands this. Heck, I don't understand myself anymore! Everything keeps changing, I do too, yet somewhere inside me alongside all the changes - something never got to grow, change, recover... In slow motion with deep rooted pain, everything plays back in a barbaric fashion, teasing you with an uncanny unreal sound screaming how you will remain stuck here forever. Here? Where is this? Am I in it? Who am I? Do I even know myself?

People claim to tell you what you need, from the little bits they hear you tell them about yourself. Suddenly they have solved the mystery of you, that you all along have been left dumbfounded by. Do they really know you? Does the amount you shared even count as valid information? Because all that you left out has its dibs on the person you are too, does it not? Does it? Do I know? I think not. But, I also think they don't know me, because I don't know myself. I could spin this around forever, and cause a few brain cells to spark out of life, but that doesn't change the reality of me. It doesn't even begin to unfold the answers with which I seek to douse myself. Breathe in, breathe out... another attempt to calm myself down, yet dang darn it, again!

Untouched spirit I am not. A fair share of pains I have inflicted on to the souls of those who cared. Perhaps my havoc is a resultant concoction of their woes beset upon me, post my actions that caused them grief? Karma loves to entangle its chords, deep and firmly, and play out the gruesome music it thus enables itself to produce - piercing through your senses, making you aware of your actions. Is being sorry - ardently desperately genuinely so - ever enough? Every time you get shot down, hurt, or left to figure things out, there you are with your ''Pandoras chest'' - wide open once again - set on a self display for examination of where it was that you went SO wrong that THIS is happening to you now.

Your faith teaches you; you reap what you sow. Your faith teaches you; On no soul doth God place a burden heavier than it can bear. Your faith teaches you; There is a better good behind all that happens - we just don't know/see it yet. Your faith teaches you the best of pearls -beautiful things- and yet you flounder, you blunder, you fall astray, and you question! Oh boy, do you question! You love Him, and SO you question. You question, and you plead, and you repent, and you finally simmer down all spent. You tell yourself, this too shall pass, and you are better than this. He has to make it better, and if you allow your faith to stumble without picking yourself back up, you're only going to fall further down a broken road that will throw you totally off course. You don't want that. You want to traverse the paths of happiness. You want to find the road that is right. It always has been the road that you've ever truly sought, and its been the very road that has been truly wily.

In this struggle to find right - with in myself - and to be able to practice right - through my self and my actions - I shall persevere. How many will misjudge me, and how many I will drive away, I know not. But to find true escape from the madness that is capable of boiling inside of me, while compassing my own motives, is something I hope to be able to find. With out it I fear, I will burn myself down, and at this point I don't know where to go to get away from it all.

A Sajdah or two, followed by beads of remembrance...
Through them I hope to cleanse all thus spewed. 


Allahumma innaka affuwwun tuhibbul afwa fa'fu anni
In Allaha Ma'asaabireen
Hasbun Allaahu Waneymul Wakeel

I Don't Understand Why

In the deadlock of your own words,
You let your emotions churn; then burn,
Suffocating yourself into a spiraling mayhem
Unleashed from an unwanted yearn,
Ghastly spirit of which you thought
Was never again going to return.
But caught up with you it has -damn it-
When you were least expecting it,
And left you spent it has once again,
Hating yourself for being so unsuspecting
Of its power on return.
Thus locked in a furnace
Of your own silent moans,
Wide eyed awake you lie crying,
Hushing yourself to reach out once again
Towards that Silent Omnipresence
To calm you down yet again please,
Before your turmoil drags you past sober
Wishing for all things to come to a resounding end.



When my eyes are closed the greatest stories get told; On awakening I find my dreams shattered on the floor... To free my soul, where do I go... I sometimes find it trapped in between somewhere being alone and no place else to go...

(These last lines are from a song called, ''Heartbreaker'', by Enrique Iglesius. The changes have been made to make it personal for myself -that is- how I feel about things. I saw them this way for myself when I heard him say them his way in his words.)

Almost Incensed Stupor

Spitting fire, wantonly shameless
Saying whatever comes to mind

Bending no more in courtesy's crossfires
For sorry excuses: ''slashes their tires'' 

Takes no prisoners for this is no war, but
With words like fire, leaves all to perspire 

Has a pure heart with nothing to hide
All sorts of worries in One God confides.

Useless Memories Galore

This fight I fight, to not let you get to me...
This fight I keep losing yet still
Asides from some very inconsequent few.
This fight I want to fight no more...
Please Dear God free me from repeats;
Reminders of moments that I want not
I beg Thee to shut tight these doors
That for me release nothing but
An acute pain from useless memories galore.

Ameen.

Those Yesterday's Lies

The chorus of the song took me to times of my own; times when the lies were okay with me because I was too naive to see through the reality of what they really were...

It's a place where in we numb the natural ability of our senses to gauge right from wrong, and refuse to listen to that nagging silent incessant prodding finger that keeps poking us in the back as a warning until it is either too late to go back, or the hurt, the pain and the scars have already warped themselves all around - all abound.

The chorus took me to that place... A reminder which looking back in retrospect, makes me wonder in bewilderment about how closed minded we can become in that phase of life; how willfully blind and intricately myopic.

A beautiful in the moment, yet utterly sad place to be looped with in, these lies of yesterday... I pray for them to never be my today's ever again.


(I originally wrote this for another song, but replaced it with the current song above, because the intensity of the love a person feels for another, is ripping in the singer's voice; she sings the emotions out as intricately as I feel them myself through tears that treckle down my cheeks in reminders of those times past. When one can be a love lorn fool, unaware of the realities of real life, immersed in the depths of a painfully honest, mostly -sadly- a one sided emotion.)

YOU; Before, Present and After

I had disappointed myself into a state that I feared, I would never be able to forgive myself for, first and foremost.
Beg on for forgiveness from quarters Basic, would remain an endless plight for life that remained.

They had all made the same mistake.
They had nudged me into areas that went past my comfort zone and beliefs.
They had tempted me into things that I knew I would later regret doing,
Simply because they went against my morals and I hated myself thereafter.

That was the difference between them and me; The -me- that I always knew I was, wished to be and remain so.
The very -me- that I choose to go back to being, now.

It is a -you- I seek; you who will understand this me...

Myriad of emotions / Closure - I

Today, I have very little idea about what it is that I wish to jot down before going about this exercise that mostly helps me reflect over my own psyche (or my actions) and cleanse accordingly. Usually my mind latches on to an idea and then unfolds on its own. Right now, I have been just dodging thoughts that are flippantly being tossed around inside my head, being unable to decipher what emotion is attached to each lonely fragment, and why...

For a moment there, I caught myself thinking - ''Is this what they mean by coming around a full circle?''

I was 19. I believed I had fallen in love. Perhaps in my naivette, I actually had fallen in love the best I could at that time. I don't believe in tricks and games. He was a family friend, so once my mind showed my heart the green signal to accept this emotion, I wrote and told my parents about my feelings inorder for them to be able to approach the gentleman, or his family, or whatever it is that people do in such a situation. I also, at the same time, told him how I felt. To cut the whole story short, after being hung around at his convinience, I was discarded by his mum (this is what I understand based on my one sided knowledge of events today). He had'nt ever truly made any promises per se, hence I could'nt hold him accountable for leaving me in the wry or whatever that situation would be called.

Fast forward, past 10 years, 1 relationship and 2 interests - all of which failed (subhaanAllah) - I stand today awaiting to turn 30 this October. The latter part of 2009, brings back into my life the gentleman (who I fell in love with at 19); divorced, and seemingly interested yet again. I don't pretend to hate him (simply because I don't), nor do I love him though (as life has shown me since, an abundance in all kinds of things -good or bad- only to learn better what I want from life today, and all that life has to offer in return). I was clear about how things stood at my end, making sure he understood that I was genuinely not interested. I still respect him. But not in the same way that matters to marry someone. The differences between us, are those that I did not see 10 years ago, but clearly see now. So much so, that they don't even allow him to come close to the picture of someone I would wish to share my life with today (I'll leave those details out of this narration as they are simply not important, nor relavant here).

I get a call from his friend today, someone who I sit down for a discourse with for the FIRST time in my life! He was calling to clear up things about where I stood in this equation (persistently reminding me that he was calling on his own accord and his friend was unaware and should remain so). I voiced myself without any reserve, just so that we were clear on nothing being possible in the future, and I genuinely wished him and his family well in their life. It took me more than 30 minutes to convince this friend who called in. I found the entire exchange, humourous in a way that I could wind someone up in such a manner. Mind you I was'nt proud about it, but it pleases me to no end when people insist on making the other person AGREE with THEIR view on things. When someone cannot agree to disagree, I get wound up! It was such a scenario that ultimately had him wound up and that was the end of our convo, it being decided that I was not cut out for his friend. Hence my feeling of coming a full circle with him, 10 years thus.

I had to close the door completely, by telling my mum about this. I made her promise to forget the entire bit once I was done telling her so, because I did not want this matter discussed and dissected any further. On telling her, I realised that my mum was in complete denial of the fact that I turn 30 this year, and she found it very depressing that the first/only ''so called offer of a marriage'' that I received in 3 decades, I had turned it down...

Im at peace with my decision and the way that I handled it, without letting my emotions and previous rejection take precedance. I can't help but feel a little happy about winding the friend up because it was over some sexist comments that he was making about people ''needing'' to change after marriage, and how we can overcome the impossible if we only try, etc. all of which in the given examples, to me were situations too unreal in life, and more movi-esque, if that were to be an actual word!

Anyhoo... mum in denial about my age, has left me a little sad about my reality right now. Perhaps this vague mood is what has propelled me to write it all out to make some sense of it, but at the moment Im left with feeling no better than I did, from when I had started.

Life and its myriad of emotions, sometimes leave me numb, post having felt them all at once around the same time!

Idiots

Colossal!
Aren’t u just plain awful.  

Fabulous!
Both you and your ego so facetious.

Applaudable!
Now do please save yourself before I clod you.

Questions??? Questions... Questions!!!

There lay at nite this little trite
her dreams her bunnies her bows,
all struck at night, there tragedy striked,
her heart her will were torn...

She smiled so bright and fought the fight
her heart she mended - it shone!
She played it right she strived she tried
At last she laid it - worn...

She saw one hope, its glimmer like dope
which burnt her sight, entire feelings alight
she tossed and turned, twisted, forlorn,
then looked and searched, her questions all scorned

Her soul once 'bused, then bruised, then used,
Lied yet in wait for that wily fate,
so as not to yearn, to accept the lesson learnt
What only God could have always,
He only always, truly discerned!

A Lost Soul...

A lost soul, bruised and wounded
desperately in search, in search for... ?
A heart that's numb
from so much want,
for a safety yet to be found,
so that her feet may finally know
what it's like to feel the ground, it's safety beneath;
shooken feet that can't stop trembling,
that can't help from depending.
A soul once pure, untouched, so sweet,
Now shattered and beaten,
so cruelly scattered, thrown back and sweeped.
A hand outstetched to be safely held,
A hand that's beaten, burnt and bent.
The emotions keep tangling,
keep wounding with in,
so completely wroughtened,
so chilled and cold.
A heart in search for the unknown,
An empty feeling with a thrust so bold,
A helpless realisation because of hopes all lost,
A hunger unfed, a thirst unquenched,
A longing inside, never to be satisfied,
A wound never to be healed,
A need never to be fulfilled,
A hand never to be thoughtfully held,
A heart never to be warmed,
A soul never to be shared,
A lost soul, never to ever find home...

Questioning Destiny

When I look in the mirror
What do I see,
a sad picture, a painful big heap...
How did I get here, a question I ask,
The answer I know, then why do I ask?
Why do I persist in wallowing deep?
Why do I bother to go through and seek?
What is it I'm searching for?
A word that's read in books?
What am I craving for,
Very few have actually looked!
If at all, it could'nt make a difference
'cos those looks are only vile.
It's the hollow space that aches and cries
and all it actually gets is denial.
With arms outstretched,
my hands, they grope,
to what avail?
Only space, never hope.
A lonely heart which continues to beat
Though why when there isn't any scope?
And yet at times when hope seems to glimmer,
All hope avails is to give me a shiver.
But what's the point
when it still gets crushed?
And what's the point,
there never really seemed a rush;
Will I get it, or lose it?
'cos lost it already was...
I never really did have it,
I never really ever could,
all of what that I always wanted,
So why should there have been
any exception now?
Why should there have
been an exception ever?
In my fate was always written - Never!

Zindagee

....................................................................................

Zindagee aik uljhun see lagney lagee

Jo hota nahee wo lagta sahee

Jo hota sahee wo lagta nahee,

Iss uljhun se kub milega ch'uttkaara

Kub hoga wo hamaara, kub dega sahara,

Wo kaun see munzill hai jo miltee nahee

Koshish kay bawajood, jo dikhtee nahee

Dikhtee bhi agur, to haath aatee nahee

Haath aatee to phir tikk paatee nahee,

Ab kub milega mujhey wo sahaara

Kub dega ishaara, kub hoga wo hamaara...

.................................................................................

1st attempt at urdu verse

........................................................................................

Log baaz nahi aatey hai'n apnee fitrut sey,

Hum buss chaltey rehtey hai'n unkey saath,

Suntey hai'n, kubhi sunaatey hai'n...

Buss chaltey hee challey jaatey hai'n...

.......................................................................................

Farewell my love... A letter unsent

'' I'm sorry I came into your life and can't make it a tiny bit brighter unlike just seeing you, hearing you, talking to you and knowing you, makes mine!

No matter with how many tears you go on marking my heart, I'll always find a smile somewhere among my thoughts and memories of you. I feel it, I believe it, and I hope you find it in you to accept it someday...

I love you.

Take care... ''

Another lovelorn rambling

To love is to kill yourself
with every passing second,
of every passing minute,
of every passing hour,
of every passing day,
of every passing month,
of every passing year,
and years keep rolling on by,
and what is left?
You ask yourself;
a hollow heart
that beats on and on
in hope, in search
of dreams that were never...
... never meant to be fulfilled,
never meant to be actualised,
never meant to take shape,
to fill out the emptiness,
the hollowness that makes life bleak,
to wipe the tears,
that were too shy, too weak,
to reach out to the emotions,
that kept waiting in hope,
that someday, maybe,
what if, who knows?
That the love that had been
killing me bit by bit
might afterall be
embalmed and picked
into arms so sweet
that thereafter,
it would never ever,
be similarly measured,
or give half as much pleasure,
give the body to my dreams,
be the support to my hopes,
be my heart's second part
and yet be one,
a single heart, your's and mine,
beating together in bliss,
untouched for time sublime,
in it's own unscarred beautiful rhyme!

What is love?

...............................................................................................

I wrote this bit in 3 go's, date and time are sketchy...

...............................................................................................


What is love?
It's a feeling felt with in
so deeply comprehended
An emotion felt world wide
and yet still so unique
What's felt by one is
totally different from the next
And yet still so beautiful
So truely it is felt!
Sometimes it lifts your heart and flies,
up between the clouds,
their feathery softness
cucoons you with in.
This is what love decrees
This is how love feels.
Sometimes it overwhelms you
and sometimes you lose yourself with in.
It's folds enclose you,
and yet you don't feel captured,
and you don't feel confined.
Love is an emotion
so utterly beautiful
that words just don't
make it complete.
I try and yet
I fall amongst the rest,
who have similarly tried the test.
Futile is a name
it must never be given,
it's an emotion that's sacred,
not a crime to be forgiven.
It's an emotion to be
felt and held,
sensitively and feelingly beheld.
It's fires are too sharp
to be defined,
too fierce to be burnt down.
It soars higher and higher,
It has no heights, big or small,
no limits that
it may be categorised,
no lengths in which
to be measured.
It's a feeling which
I deeply treasure,
A feeling which
comes up to no measure.
A feeling, my feeling!
My secret, my own!
That I'll keep locked up
in my heart forever
never to be foretold!
I'll never be loved
I'll always be in the cold.
The chill in my heart
will never be brocken,
will never be softened,
will never know how it feels,
to be lovingly melted and held.
My heart will always be lonely,
will always keep starving
for warmth to seep in through,
to stop the bleeding,
to start the healing,
to respond to my feelings,
to the love that lies in,
deep with in my soul and heart,
to the love that I keep
locked in from the very start.