Aspiring to not plead, but be offered...

The weary pendulum keeps swaying back and forth in between making a resolute decision one day and having debilitating questions foam back up to the point of drowning me on another. Words spoken keep coming back of their own accord; haunting me. It doesn't make sense for the one to have said such things, albeit in only a half attentive part sleepy state, but for one to simply disappear mid-throbbing-conversation...? It is a whole another ask of me to leave where one is not wanted. But, to leave where one was assured they are dearly wanted... this, this is an unkind thing to be asked to do.

'Are you trying to figure out how to do this, or are you precariously bordering on an unappetising form of stalking?'

Surely making dua'as for a person's well being absolves me or my actions of being saddled with a negative label. If only the road blocks would be removed, and the walls of silence pierced... Perhaps then some answers could be found to appease the roaring ravaged mind that is left in the wake of this storm. The soul refuses to back down and sit in silence. Amidst prayer it needs to also do all it can before it must accept failure and lay down to rest all it's arms, in order to find some semblance of peace.

''You should not have to plead, you deserve to be offered.'' This keeps playing back in my mind, over and over on repeat.

Inn Allaaha Ma'as Saabireen. Allahu Musta'an. Allahumma Antas Salaam.

''Allah is the Protector of those who believe. He brings them out from darkness into light.''
(Al-Quran 2:257)

''Oh Allah, place within my heart light, and upon my tongue light, and within my ears light, and within my eyes light, and place behind me light and in front of me light and above me light and beneath me light. O Allah, Bestow upon me light.''

Ameen.

A Place Somewhere Near 'You'

You know the pain I live; I’m speaking to You, my Maker. The Fashioner of it all; start to finish, and all the in betweens’. I am imploring, beseeching, continuously crushing this heart’s screeching – the pain sometimes feels like it will explode – but You stop it from crumbling, and therefore to You it continues to turn to… Please my Lord suspend these needs and abate their transient hollowness. Make this heart, mind, body, and soul strong enough for the lessons that are intertwined in all that happens - To and Fro. The ride gets too rough, and only You are the balance that can keep it steady or afloat. Please my Lord extend your Hold – for my hands are outstretched waiting, and You’re my only constant Hope – from dawn to midnight, my only companion through the sun, rain, dust storms and star lights. This lonesome walk, rejected reputation desperately needs Your Assurance – That the sea will part and a way will show; That the fire will cool and the heat will be no more; That I will get out of the well alive; That the Whale will blow me out of its belly; And that on Your ship I will survive the storm of this life as it carries me to a shore of Permanence somewhere near You – where there will be no pain, no expectations, no heartache, no loneliness no more – insha’Allah; Ameen.

Just Like That...

Raindrops

My Every Other Sisters' Paradise

Cold Play: Paradise (lyrics)

(The verses below have been instantly inspired by the song above, and dedicated to all the sisters out there...)

Their dreams left on hold; immortalised 

My every other sister 

Living this life; part paralysed... 

As a child, seeing with eyes opened wide 

My every other sister 

Looking at life now; partly desensitised... 

Walking around with hopes to one day sour out; fly high 

My every other sister 

Gets back up; by yet another fall, temporarily mortified... 

Listening, doing; all as she is expected to do 

My every other sister 

Existing for their sake; has been skillfully mollified... 

Making the best of today; her gift of life 

My every other sister 

In her sleep goes to take a much needed bite of paradise...

Falling In Love... Again?

faith hill fireflies mp3 | lyrics

free music downloads | music videos | pictures

Little did I know, I was falling in love again...

He was a darling innocent charmer, with smiling piercing eyes, and the adorablestest of chuckles. Go on... scoff at my usage of word's that are not in the English dictionary [yet? 0=) ], but when one is speaking of love... alas, a shortage of words to describe it is a given. And so, with that little 'misdemeanour' spoken for, I must go on to eulogise this emotion that has overtaken my little moments, every day, since these past 4 months and counting. I find the joys in murmuring sweet nothings, cherishing shared smiles, and cooing absolute nonsense, all shared through incessant cuddles that seem never enough. When that innocent mouth puckers up to gurgle or giggle, my heart gets wrapped around his little finger avowing eternal love! Who'd have known my little nephew would remind me of what love felt like again, albeit of a whole another kind!

I love you, my little GooGoo... *signed, Phuppo.

How my...

Greg Laswell



How my thoughts they spin me 'round... How my dreams they spin me 'round... How my love it spins me 'round... And how they all, one by one, let me down... How this world still goes round and round... And here I think of a 'you' somewhere, towards me one day bound... How that 'one' day 'we' will finally be together found? In such hopes I listen to this song on repeat, on and on... How my thoughts they spin me 'round...

My Tempestuous Mystery

You are, a whisper sought through lonely nights

You are, the warm embrace that would hold me tight

You are, the amalgamation of my every fantasy

You are, for what today these eyes remain still searching

For you are, in every breathing moment of mine; Missing

And you are, unusurped yet...

My unmasked tempestuous mystery.

Not For Me Or I...

I closed my eyes, and there you were. A distant dream, very mirage like picturesque. A touch beyond surreal you were. Before imagined, not real, not reel. I closed my eyes, and gone you were. An imagination, or true yesterday? I know not now of then when spent. I closed my eyes, and someone's there. A distant whim of wishes, a moments glimmer, a hushed fear. I close my eyes, and try not to care. I hope unabashedly, but my lips are too scared; for it never before happened and what if again it is to be so? Thus closed, leave them to remain shall I. No fear to fester, no tear for lack of gesture. No, not for a lack of you and I. No, not for me or I.

To Be Awakened Again...

These faint murmurs whispering, deep inside somewhere, leave the vista blank. Discharged batteries is what the self seems to be running on, refusing to spark up a sputter more. Coughing up a semblance of courage to hope on untrod grounds is becoming a little too tasking as the days pile on by wearily; weary is left the heart, as weary is left the body in all's wake. The mind refuses to entirely cave in just yet.  

What is it that your prayers speak? 

Sometimes I don't know how I got here, except for a surety in knowing it had something to do with my own choices - except that I cannot seem to find a bridge sturdy enough to bank on, between that me and the me now.  

When did the bridge come undone? Could it not be mended? Does it really wish to be so? 

To what avail, know not I,
But for now lay these murmurs to rest must I,
For slumber harkens out loud to be tended to thus.
Perchance in a dream I shall awaken again...

In Hopes Of Finding You...

To a land of beauty, a land of fun
To a place from where I can see another sun
To a land that's near you, a land you've touched
To a place that in peoples pictures only I've ever yet, watched
To a land of aah's, a land where all things'd be new
To a place that wakes in me a spirit lush
To a land of hope, a land destined for us
To that place I will reach to find you
Such is my prayer on repeat, thus.


~ InshaAllah, Ameen!

Crossroads No More?

I think I'm at that point on a road, where I want to stop and reassess the things that I have been thinking I want... Perhaps none of the choices I make will be wrong. I am certain that despite the route I take, the lessons will all meet in conformity at the same point in the end; their travels albeit shall remain undecided upon, ie. whether they will be long, short, easy, hard, or somewhere in the mix of it all. In this thought I want to linger with positivity, until positivity its harvest has reaped as proof to show, InshaAllah - Ameen.

Exist you do in a dream...

Many moons ago, in a dream she saw you,
Where you are, to this day she cannot tell...
Many moons ago, it all felt so real,
What happened, she begs, pray do tell...

Many moons ago, her heart had skipped a beat,
How you managed that, she still can not tell...
Many moons ago, it had all felt so real,
Perchance in a dream only, could you on her cast such a spell...

Wretched Need!

I just want someone to talk to
Some one who can hear me when I speak
Some one who cares enough to actually listen
Some one who doesn't think I'm an idiot and treat me like one
Some one who would mean enough to me to care for too
I don't mind sharing the load of their worries, so long as they can help me with mine
My head wants to explode
I am tired of wanting, wishing, caring, yet standing back still wanting, still wishing, with my hands left hanging in the air
I am tired of speaking when no one is listening
Tired of looking at someone never looking back
Tired of doing for one who doesn't see it
Tired of sharing with those who care not for my doing so
Tired of trying to explain myself to those who are supposed to know me inside out
Tired of existing in such a state of wanting
Tired of existing with this NEED for belonging
Tired of existing in such a sorry state of hoping
Tired of existing in such a morbid state of feeling incomplete no matter what I do to make up for it
for i know I shall always remain incomplete in some way or another in the eyes of someone or the other and therefore I'm fine with who I am the way I am, but Im also just so very desperately tired of everything and I want to rest now.
I want to rest
I want to rest
I want so badly to rest and even more, I want so badly to talk to someone!
Sadly the one that I want to, rather the sort that I want to with, does not exist.
Perhaps my time doesn't allow it?

Luck Charms or Labour Well Spun

A mad rush, the world seems to be in. Around you are things happening to people, for people, with people. While we sit in a malaise like state, ogling all the happenings of others, wondering why them and not I, we find ourselves in some places of blessed mercy and some that remain prayers unanswered. The lives of those achieving goals - from our distance - seem to be going smooth and alright, those lost amidst/from suffering; sad, desolate, futile, and for those whom luck seems to favour in all the right ways, we hold a glimmer of envy since our own seems devoid of favours such. While we linger and lament, or tread and pine, we must remind ourselves that what we see is from an imperfect lens - and that is the truth. Our focal point is hardly three dimensional and a complete picture asides from our own, is impossible. While time seems to be set on a speeding mission in some ways for a few, it holds the ability to be just that impervious for some others, and entirely dead yet still for some more. Therefore the rush that pervades our temporary being, is nothing but a mirage or a facade; like a second waiting to become bygones or an hour set in stone. And in a trick like form of time's such makings, these musings at random, I type on 'un-honed'.

One Step Out the Door

One step out the door, when I might get to live life. One step out the door, when I might see more of this life. One step out the door, past these worries... past all present strife's. One step out the door, under open skies, clean fresh air, no boundaries, no hold backs, no road blocks, no if's, no but's, no resentments, no strings attached...

Time ticks on by...

Another year is about to roll its carpet back up, coming to an end, sending out a warning sign of life passing on by...

And I...

... still seem no where near that one step out the door to where I want to be.

This I Had Not Planned...

Pop the pill
You know the drill
Good life is just
A swallow away

Quickened heartbeat
LDL drills
Uric Acid
Eczema scales
Seborrheic Dermatitis
Asthma spells
Water retention
Heck even Sties & Pimples

Pop the pill
You know the drill
Thus, a good life remains
A dream unfulfilled

We

I don't know what it is, this simple bare necessity that my soul craves for. I've been told - at times infinite- to search for it in God, and I will be sure to strike gold. My pining does not arise from an empty pocket, lacking warmth from the presence of a solid faith. My faith remains deeply rooted, believing in an ethereal good that backs every happening in our life -good-alright-or-bad, staunchly. Nevertheless, my angst is an arousal of moments set on repeat that seem to feel nothing but exhaustion at the end of a race, lacking the ability to feel satiated.

Is there never to be another who would fit right?

Is there never to be one that gets it?

Will there never to be one who see's no wrong in you, and you don't in them either?

Will one person keep on falling short in the eyes of another, while themselves finding faults in an interested another?

Why does this hollowed squeal -one becoming increasingly familiar- have to come to life again?

Why must these rounds of unanswerable questions -laid to rest just some time ago- breathe again?

Why must this body -heart, mind, and soul- yet again, plead so devastatingly to an unknown audience?

Leave on this aspirated thought, I guess I shall, and let my emotions bleed themselves out one more time in preparation for lessons more to be learned ahead. Not a pleasant journey -this undertaking- knowing all that I do now. It never is.

Silly Self Sufficient All Knowing Educated Sensitive Beings; We.

Lene Marlin

Tucked Away...

Tucked away in a place unknown
Where peace and warmth will be bought
Far away from everyday forlorn
Which in memories only 
Would be allowed to walk
Beverage in hand
Some garnished with melancholy
I would strut with my thoughts but no talk
And perhaps a partner aside 
Sharing similar silent musings
On a journey such I aspire to embark.

Plagued by the very many, ''What If-s''...

I realized that I had become one of those people with some major trust issues. I didn't know anymore if I even trusted myself in some situations. I was too scared to play out with certain matters in fear of actually beginning to like what was around, only to loose it like I always have. At this point there isn't even anything to begin being called anything of matter, and I am already scared of letting myself open up too much. I don't think I trust anyone to let go of myself completely. At this rate, who would want to entangle themselves in a mess of such intensity and nature?

Why is it that I can't stop myself from over thinking certain things and let life happen to me like life happens to others. They seem to welcome it. Why does it have to be so hard for me? I feel like I have become my own enemy and if it goes on like this, I will never allow myself to find what I so ardently deeply desire...

... or so it seems for now.


 
Death Cab For Cutie : Soul Meets Body 

* ''brown eyes'', in my case hold no special meaning.