Demons of Their Past

All it took was a picture of you in baby blue and white.

It pierced through the cemented walls
The grave I thought was permanent, shattered open.
Rose back out Alexander the great,
Arousing the hairs on the back of everything alive
To stand up and scream
To brace themselves and shriek in agony
From unwelcome memories.
Go back to sleep please.
Go to Italy, Go back to Germany,
San Francisco, Brazil, Goa, Juhu,
Go where ever it is that love embraces you
And wear that ring proud
It shines so bright
As did the prospect of you and I once
But that was an embryo that was miscarried long ago.
The placenta has been laid down to rest
So now please let the lens of the other
Shoot you in your glamour in privacy
There is no room for this view I have of you
in my suggested feed, on the right, under a post,
or an invite of an add request from another brother.
Go away; I know you never wanted to
I pushed the doors closed and I left you screaming in the dark
But that darkness was all enveloping
And it was a salve that needed to be applied
The scrapes were blistering and the wound was deepening
The pain would never go away so the pill had to be gulped
And years later it seems the effects have begun wearing thing
So I turn to an empty page and scream into this empty night
And tell the song ringing in the background to truly fade away
For Where you are now is of no use to me.
The monsters only know how to run wild
And the torment of years ago needs to rest.
Crushing what was real and breathing
For I am not prepared to have to do it again.
I can’t. You can’t. We can’t.
It was never meant to be
So please take your baby blue and white
And leave my breath alone.
I need to let it all be faded.
No shadows. No etchings. Nothing.
The water will always haunt me
But that is also truly where I find
Some semblance of a salvation.
Ya Allah – You are The Effacer.
Please Cleanse me and Hold Me.
For you I walked away and I desperately
need You to Efface me and Love me!
Ameen.

Just Like That...

Cleansing

With a pencil in my hand, on a paper I begin this scrawl... a paper from a book which was until a recent past, singed with memoirs of yester-years; replete with grave mistakes and painful choices. I sit here today, having removed proof of most of my errors. Why I had stored memories away, to begin with, baffled me when I undertook the task of reading things which seemed to have been forgotten with time. Letters which in their time evoked streams of joy, anticipation, fear... seemed to have lost their marvel when I sat reading them, before I ripped them up - piece by piece - and calmly piled them into a trash bag; stuffing bags through their seams by the time every piece was removed. I was left clutching on to scattered bits of memories, as they had been stirred into an awakening unplanned and unpleasant - I coerced myself and hurried to lay them all to rest as I prayed upon my Lord for whom I had forsaken everything and by Whose Grace I had been living since; saved from any more grief that could be perceived by a wanting soul - of then and now. I seem to find myself at a fork in the road, where I hope to lay the dead to rest and finally find a peace permanent. Part of me wishes that I could go back to a better part of me that existed then and merge it with the better part of me that exists today... Alas, this is not to be, for if wishes were horses then beggars would surely ride. With this adage in mind, I hope the best part of me is not entirely lost, but remains somewhere preciously safe... patiently waiting to be properly found a final time around... insha'Allah; Ameen!

Inna mai'ya rabbi sa yahdeen... [Indeed, with me is My Lord... He will guide me through - Al Quran 26:62]

Raindrops

Today I Was Happy...

the weepies little bird mp3 | lyrics

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All my rights and wrongs came together today to celebrate me turning all of thirty and one. A silly feel good trick of my dear friend had me giggling whilst telling those who asked, how I turned four today, because three plus one is only four after all; silly nothings really... yet deep down, they all comprised to make a day full of blessings oh so sweet and humbling. Wishes coming from all corners of the world and all parts of my yesterdays and todays; all truly making me realise that no matter how little or big the birds around me be, they all come flying down upon me with love, affection, and good wishes of happiness. I shall strive thus in my tomorrows -inshaAllah- to be a better me to my all... Thank you my world of people; for loving me so truly, I must have done something somewhere to be so blessed, Alhumdulillah O Rabbi Al Ameen!!!

You Are What You Make Yourself... ?

Insipidness rolls and lolls, and within it's dumbstruck numbness is confined an immeasurable restlessness... An absurd feeling so non tangible and inexplicable, that the mind wants to shut down into a vacant mode, for time not bound by any human standards. Waiting for a 'that' that seems not to be happening, hoping on a 'one' which is not available, wanting every 'this' that the mind cannot seem to fathom - thus rushing back into the mystical painfulesque numbness that has become a sturdy safe shell of abode for now... hovering be as it may.

You, are what you make yourself. To become it, that what you want to, is on the road ahead; albeit with no guarantees.

Hasbey Allaho Wanemal Wakeel...


Khair inshaAllah.

An Ending, A Beginning, Or An Interim?

To connect the dots, sat down did she

Lost in mid air; her strokes incomplete

Where to from here, knew not did she

Albeit with an unimaginable stock of resolve

Moved on, trepidatiously

Such is life and Allah swt always Knows Best.

Overwhelmed?

Another wave we must ride

Paddle on to get by

Whatever ripples or gusts galore

Patiently override them

We must; you, just as must I

Many glories come and gone

Singing merrily to their songs

Faces shining with their smiles

Pictures telling of all hues turned into mires

Hurdles girdled into puddles swished

Fancy mapping of things misunderstood

Lacy trimmings to all hideous pies

Making all things distasteful

To position themselves until: Ready - Aim - Fire!

Hit asunder thus, all calm; gone

A memory simply remaining agong

Of bliss smuggled away from them

And to a wayfarer thoughtlessly sold

Thence off on a journey, spent are we

Listlessly surfacing jarring waves

Relentlessly remembering

All our stories that got buried untold...

Crossroads No More?

I think I'm at that point on a road, where I want to stop and reassess the things that I have been thinking I want... Perhaps none of the choices I make will be wrong. I am certain that despite the route I take, the lessons will all meet in conformity at the same point in the end; their travels albeit shall remain undecided upon, ie. whether they will be long, short, easy, hard, or somewhere in the mix of it all. In this thought I want to linger with positivity, until positivity its harvest has reaped as proof to show, InshaAllah - Ameen.

Distrubed Limbo

The cursor on the screen blinks at me while I, in my resigned silence, stare back at it – for how long I know not. The noise, the chaos, the upheaval, the utter disturbance of it all has seeped into my very existence as I painstakingly try to breathe through the insect repellent, cement dust, and chips of wood that have been abandoned and left to waft around at their wily leisure. With a mechanical sweep of the hand I kill a buzzing stray mosquito number infinite, about to mark its territory; with a whack of a kitchen tissue roll, housefly that was waiting by in planned silence to attack by daylight meets its abrupt demise. These 'bugger bys' seem to exist in platoons un-defeatable!

The astounding profundity of getting by another day looms at me. The joke of our everyday existence based on utilities, ergo technology, mocks at me. The tick in the background warns me of precious minutes waning off quicker than fathomable; the beep of a repetitive sound numbingly snickers in seemingly glee at its accomplishment of not letting me find peace in that which really needed to be done. My sight glazes up, my tightly coiled emotions further coil up -alarmingly so- into twisted twists unappeasable! Disdain for all -et all- reeks through my very everything. Why can't all just settle down and let the dust of me breathe? In this wretched not knowing I mask myself and end my sleep weary musings thus…

''Tomorrow, please be kind to me?''

At the shaken end of an unplanned sneeze, I gawk unattached at a confused bit of lint flutter by, akin to my deranged sense of uppity all; inexplicably appalled.

The Moving...

Robert Plant & Alison Krauss:: Please Read the Letter




It was coming to her in bits and pieces - where, when, little nothings had been said. Another piece of furniture lost it's leg. Out another box got carried away. Another curtain got taken down and resolutely packed away. The show on display was full of life while she on the inside quietly watched in detached numbed silence from a sideline of sorts.

'' Would the tears come another day? Would they come at all, or had their reasons to flow been numbed for time untold? ''

It all remained a tiny mystery for life to unfold some day in the future perhaps. With an impatient shrugging aside of her own futile thoughts, she dragged her thoughts back to reality and talked herself to get some sleep in order to face another day of quiet madness that her life had become. She did remember to thank her blessings before she restlessly passed out.

Unimportant Fool

One feels stifled and wonders untiringly so, over the ache that comes from not knowing where to belong; who to belong to. There remains only One constant through all the dries, through all the cries, there remains only One constant one can turn to and cry their angst to. There seems to be no place to call home, there seems to be no person who knows you. In fact, they seem to work like the mechanics of a clock, where in some parts work in desperate compliance while the single or more who dare to defy work under constant emotional abuse to end up in a heaped corner comprised of a wretched mix of perpetual defiance and miserable compliance for the sake of survival. Where does one go when there is a lack of means to get to anywhere but here? What does one do when there is only a lack of possibilities doable that exist? Who does one turn to when there is not a single soul that hears it without derision or insult instead of with patience or even a morsel of respect that it aches to be accorded. How does one fit in a slot when while trying to do so there are constant pins pricking it, drills drilling it, hammers hammering it, and voices vacillating it? What ever cords one manages to nourish, the fatigue amassed from such intense repeats manages to derail and disappoint. Useless, Worthless, Unimportant; one is left to feel. Finding that place and people to belong to exists as a wasted dream. Finding peace in a life away from this world's is all that seems important; is all that one aches for in one's now, inshaAllah...
Ameen!

Fireworked

  

katy perry firework mp3 | lyrics

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She dragged herself out of bed in order to sort out the rifling verbosity that had been streaming with in her head all day... the boom of the song in her ears as she tried drowning out the sounds that pervaded the peace of her being from the outside of her sanctuary... soon to be dismantled and resurrected elsewhere. She did not want to risk profanities and discord to make their way into her already havoc riddled complacence which was her very feeble now. The escaping silent stream that was trickling its way down a crevice warm from currents that had left streaks and creeks in their wake, was derailed; wiped away. She sat up straight with a purpose, or so she thought. When to let it out she sat, escaped they all; scattered and withered much from their excessive abuse today. Reminiscent moments finding their way in at random. Purposes losing their track due to unforeseen troubles... Waylaid? Only time mysterious would know. Dead beat and worn out everything felt. Resolve she mustered yet again and decided to give up trying for now. To silence back she receded... with the boom of the same song in her ears, playing faithfully to a part of her that listened while the rest of her numbed itself back to filling out its crevices and creeks with a warmth that needed some more to flow tonight for reasons she wished not to dissect...

Rolling In The Deep

Adele: Rolling in the deep


Exactly how it feels... for the person I knew when I knew you.
But... the person that now exists because of you, I fail to understand.
The memory of her comes alive when it knows the words to this song.
The body of her quietens it.
The soul of her, prays for you and her... and her.

~ FiamaanAllah

Nonchalant Symphony

Wading through waters of contempt; for what, your heart wonders itself to define. Shifting through forms of discontent; you drag yourself away from things that make you for them pine. Others who live in the moment; others, who care not for you. You talk to your voice when you hear it tremor; It tremors surreptitiously when a matter deep it has to speak of or unwind. When moments like such, amass in a pile, a numbness invades wherever; wherever a hole that it finds. The holes when plenty, from moments in past, cave in to whatever in them decides to encase themselves or bind. Entrapped in a net that tangles up further, when out of it you wish to yourself find. Find yourself instead, in a transitory peace; in that seemingly second you rejoice a grace, that to your name comes undone when with deep faith - resilience even- it you seek and mine. Then on your solitary walk, you walk on beside moments of leisure, to speculate your every thought otherwise escaped or confined. Such are the thoughts of me - my soul - wading in nonchalant symphony of time, time, and more time...

Farewell Home & 2010

Many a sins have transpired behind these walls, many a stories have gone untold; some stranded and left forever hanging mysteriously in an abyss, some boldly faced and thereby rested in semblance of peace. Some lives here have only begun to be shockingly ended, while others have blessedly ended only to be begun again afresh (Alhumdulillah). Some hearts have been healed, some relationships extended, some broken ones mended. Some bodies too have lost control here -for different amounts of time- but then mercifully pacified, eventually. Some spirits have been set on fire, a few lies have been spun around to be contorted out of selfish desires.

The face of these walls that proudly sits on display today, as we say our farewells to it, is only because of all who have in its making so painstakingly perspired. Futures that have stemmed from here in reside far away, in the present today, rendered restless from the inability to say their hesitant - unwilling - goodbyes to it in person. Leave all this behind, we do soon, calling it another chapter of our lives that has been penned down to a close. A new chapter we must begin here forth, taking heed from the stars as they too prepare themselves to start a whole new mystery laden year ahead. Fresh beginnings with pristine clean slates we all hope for. To set our feet in right this time around, we firmly and surely bind tight our scaffolding's, safe guarding them lest there be any impending tips or falls in store ahead.

To lives, hearts, health, blessings, and all their stories to be born anew, I raise my pen, recording this prayer into a written request; bidding this house and all the year's that have been before it in the past, a revered adieu...

Audhu Billahi Minashhaytan ir Rajeem Bismillahi Rahmaan ir Raheem!