Demons of Their Past

All it took was a picture of you in baby blue and white.

It pierced through the cemented walls
The grave I thought was permanent, shattered open.
Rose back out Alexander the great,
Arousing the hairs on the back of everything alive
To stand up and scream
To brace themselves and shriek in agony
From unwelcome memories.
Go back to sleep please.
Go to Italy, Go back to Germany,
San Francisco, Brazil, Goa, Juhu,
Go where ever it is that love embraces you
And wear that ring proud
It shines so bright
As did the prospect of you and I once
But that was an embryo that was miscarried long ago.
The placenta has been laid down to rest
So now please let the lens of the other
Shoot you in your glamour in privacy
There is no room for this view I have of you
in my suggested feed, on the right, under a post,
or an invite of an add request from another brother.
Go away; I know you never wanted to
I pushed the doors closed and I left you screaming in the dark
But that darkness was all enveloping
And it was a salve that needed to be applied
The scrapes were blistering and the wound was deepening
The pain would never go away so the pill had to be gulped
And years later it seems the effects have begun wearing thing
So I turn to an empty page and scream into this empty night
And tell the song ringing in the background to truly fade away
For Where you are now is of no use to me.
The monsters only know how to run wild
And the torment of years ago needs to rest.
Crushing what was real and breathing
For I am not prepared to have to do it again.
I can’t. You can’t. We can’t.
It was never meant to be
So please take your baby blue and white
And leave my breath alone.
I need to let it all be faded.
No shadows. No etchings. Nothing.
The water will always haunt me
But that is also truly where I find
Some semblance of a salvation.
Ya Allah – You are The Effacer.
Please Cleanse me and Hold Me.
For you I walked away and I desperately
need You to Efface me and Love me!
Ameen.

Cleansing

With a pencil in my hand, on a paper I begin this scrawl... a paper from a book which was until a recent past, singed with memoirs of yester-years; replete with grave mistakes and painful choices. I sit here today, having removed proof of most of my errors. Why I had stored memories away, to begin with, baffled me when I undertook the task of reading things which seemed to have been forgotten with time. Letters which in their time evoked streams of joy, anticipation, fear... seemed to have lost their marvel when I sat reading them, before I ripped them up - piece by piece - and calmly piled them into a trash bag; stuffing bags through their seams by the time every piece was removed. I was left clutching on to scattered bits of memories, as they had been stirred into an awakening unplanned and unpleasant - I coerced myself and hurried to lay them all to rest as I prayed upon my Lord for whom I had forsaken everything and by Whose Grace I had been living since; saved from any more grief that could be perceived by a wanting soul - of then and now. I seem to find myself at a fork in the road, where I hope to lay the dead to rest and finally find a peace permanent. Part of me wishes that I could go back to a better part of me that existed then and merge it with the better part of me that exists today... Alas, this is not to be, for if wishes were horses then beggars would surely ride. With this adage in mind, I hope the best part of me is not entirely lost, but remains somewhere preciously safe... patiently waiting to be properly found a final time around... insha'Allah; Ameen!

Inna mai'ya rabbi sa yahdeen... [Indeed, with me is My Lord... He will guide me through - Al Quran 26:62]

Jaded

This post has been inspired by the song, I don't feel it anymore - by William Fitzsimmons...

william fitzsimmons i dont feel it anymore mp3 | lyrics

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I don't feel it anymore. Much of anything mostly offlate. It was all taken away? I lost it on the way? It's not here, where it matters anymore - and that's what matters. I don't feel it anymore; the care, the worry, the need - I don't see it anymore. Anything. Much of everything - it's all just flitting on by. 20 years and then, 10. Come and gone. I was young once. No more; I certainly don't feel it anymore. No reason to make me try, want to just more than get on by. Nothing to spur me on, better myself... For myself it is this way or that - who cares? Not I, I don't see much of anything anymore. I used to feel once, but it's certainly not so now, no more do I, for you've all taken it all away. The little glimmers of possibility that take life in my heart are put off like a candle just lit but drenched by rain. The down pour has become infertile. No more do the tears release the pain. It locks itself in and seems too afraid to breathe even. I've hurt for quite some time now, and I don't think all that time will ever be returned. To hope for a happiness in anything certain, seems not to be happening; it is to be taken away, just like all things else here, in this now and in this today. Leave it all, I wish for, to remove myself from everything and find peace in not feeling anything anymore. I'm fine. I don't need to feel or see any of it - any way.

Every time there remains a longing. I realise, I had fooled myself, but now time is up again - must come back to reality. Reality is the mother of all things hollow, painful, resounding those two traits over and over in order to achieve a complete cycle of pain and it's many myriads. You're still typing the angst out of an empty vessel, that wishes to bemoan a thousand and one things, but is lost with words not enough - perhaps words precise - to narrate itself. This is a longing pining to be filled. This is a pang longing to be fulfilled. This is an anguish hardly unleashed, barely assuaged of what it wishes to achieve. Buries itself in prayer and meditation; Dhikr. Ups and downs, to's and fro's. Redundant rebounds, absolute - paramount; Alas bare and vagabond. I confirm to nothing. Not I, nor my being. I only submit to the Will of the One, and His spin wishes me to swirl some more reels of lessons down pat, before I can breathe my last. With in these spins I have to find my smile, and mean it. With in these spins I have to unwind. The doubtful possible will be made possible - and on that note I shall end this diatribe, a rant even. 

I don't need to feel anything else, anymore - You, they, Hey, go on - take it all away, for I don't feel it anymore. The wait on for eternity will keep me going, nothing else from any of you do I need to feel something, only for it to go again. It did before, and it will - that is the only certainty. So just leave me with my thoughts, jaded as they and I together may seem. I don't need to feel anything, anymore. I will wait for that certainty, I will wait, certainly - I will wait forever more...

         

Today I Was Happy...

the weepies little bird mp3 | lyrics

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All my rights and wrongs came together today to celebrate me turning all of thirty and one. A silly feel good trick of my dear friend had me giggling whilst telling those who asked, how I turned four today, because three plus one is only four after all; silly nothings really... yet deep down, they all comprised to make a day full of blessings oh so sweet and humbling. Wishes coming from all corners of the world and all parts of my yesterdays and todays; all truly making me realise that no matter how little or big the birds around me be, they all come flying down upon me with love, affection, and good wishes of happiness. I shall strive thus in my tomorrows -inshaAllah- to be a better me to my all... Thank you my world of people; for loving me so truly, I must have done something somewhere to be so blessed, Alhumdulillah O Rabbi Al Ameen!!!

He was Alexander; The Defender of Man

When I think of you
I think of all the ships that have since, docked and then set sail
Leaving disturbed waters in their lonesome wake
It is now at such a time, each time
I think of you when I think of love,
For only in your care had I truly had it;
Love, respect, adoration, et all
When I think of me today,
Many a test yet still I have to pass
You are my sin, which to date
I fear to be tested with - again!
For, you are my weakness
And my heart for you silently
Shall forever somewhere uselessly cry,
With a guileless facade I here exist
Battling calmly with the me that I think I am,
Or perhaps the me that I think I am,
Or perhaps yet still, wish and hope I am.
You've stood shakenly resilient
Through my decade of 'these such' trials
And from thus afar in a moment of wily slumber
And a shore of once when we were together before,
I think of you with that tiny morsel of my heart
That now to those mainly foreign feelings still
Surreptitiously beats in such tiny moments - Alas!

Left Behind to Stand the Test of Time

When did I get left behind
Standing tall through these winds of time
Watching with a smile as two hearts met
And on their journeys they got swept
With every day and its passing time
Fewer remained and thinned out stood your line
Those you could speak to and whom you'd understand
Remained far from plenty
And only you in your heart bore the knowing of lonely times...

But give up shall not I
Until this heart heaves, I must not cry
For a plan resolute was made by The All Knowing
And in His Knowledge my trust I should be showing
  As in His Decree is all good unseen
And only patience bequeathes its release
So in its wait with lips hushed from trembling
This heart shall sit in rest, to the self murmuring
Until time reveals what for me He has inscribed in stone as this world's Life...

InshaAllah, Ameen~

Resilience Through A Reminisce?

Rihanna:
 

The things we do for attention
For a little moment in which to be noticed
All for what?
A test after test after test after test...
This too shall pass
It all has to date
You too shall become a memory
Hopefully to fade faster
Now that time has given us
Ample practice to weather such storms and breezes
Or just a slight draft even
Frail no more shall we be!
Force ourselves to be sturdy
Brush our shoulders we shall
No pain shall we let through
Resilience is the love that shall be ours to stay
Hope is our companion through pebbles such
That are strewn haphazardly along our every way
Let our head hang low we wont - Nay!
Our heart shall not dwell in dismay
What length and width giveth our silly moments and time
To something so trivial!
  A mountain of age old molehill
Boredom perhaps has tilled?
Who knows whether potential it had
Or was simply imagined
Another day, another plan
Time shall surely unravel
And in its wait our patience shall be the guide
Assuring that no disdain or angst
In our life shall stay too long to tar or mar
Our faith in all those whom we wish to remain by our side
In times of reminisce when we sit back tomorrow...

...inshaAllah, Ameen!

A Bittersweet Reminisce

It was a time from yesterday now long gone, when the heart used to skip a beat, sing along to songs that rang true, or at least in honest earnest pined for them to one day come true... Songs like this...




Those pangs have now dulled. Their intensity has been made blunt through the discourse of time. The skipping no more happens and many a tomorrows have been seamlessly tucked away since...

Have they paved some way for longings to traipse along?
Perhaps.

Only just that... their tremors and trembles are hard to decipher today.

kate havnevik nowhere warm mp3 | lyrics

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Why, The Age Old, Why...

So you cry? Or do you choose to live the lies? Somewhere there are those who die. Somewhere there are those who live, but still won't. Where was it that you left her? Was it you who swept her, off her feet to places unknown? Was it you who forgot? Or, was it she who forgot? Where were you when the time came to live the promises? Was it you who broke them, or was it time who was the blamed mistress? Was it circumstance that came in the way, or was it weakness; perhaps fear the evil seamstress? Why was she not the one, while ''she'' was? Why were you not the one, when there was no one else? Why was loneliness so astute when patience was perched at a precipice? Why were answers sought, for questions already answered? Why did time deem it necessary to rewind vacant musings that held no good with in them? With in the why's lay another fold to the mysteries.

Parakeet He Called Me Now...

Fidelity by Regina Spektor

The pain we hide with in our chests
Buried deep out of reach; our treasured mess?
The woes laid down away from sight
Quietened, flattened - no more to be reminisced
The multi-layered tired abyss
Our unique heavy bundles of all this
The many questions unanswered, all
Silently filed and compiled into lists
The pain we hide away un-kissed
One such paid me an unexpected visit
In the evening about two hours past six
And with it caught me by surprise
While pleasant for a change I know it was
Hurt like crazy it left me 
Crying in a mess I lay and sobbed
Then back to sobriety 
Chanting revered verses I cajoled myself 
On to dreary work from which I had recessed...

 
... Hushing and locking the pain away,
In its familiar quiet dungeon 
To be perhaps (but hopefully not)
Visited again on some weary day.

The Reel Rewound Itself

Her innocence was soiled
Her hopes
Her feelings
Her aspirations too

Then time played its toil
Her feelings uncoiled
And in a him her hopes
Aspired to live through

Her hopes were boiled
Life churned her feelings aside
And him she lost
Giving priority to her religious aspirations

Her innocence was soiled
Her hopes
Her feelings
Her aspirations too

Then time played its toil
Her feelings still coy
A friend found his way through
Giving her hope anew

Her aspirations changed
He played with her games
In hopes unfulfilled she remained
To greener pastures he trod off to leaving her shamed

Her innocence was soiled
Her hopes
Her feelings
Her aspirations too

Then time played its toil
Her emotions uncoiled
To his tune of reassurance
That ignited hope in her aspirations again

He spun his wonderful tales
Once enraptured was she
Truth he then confessed
And on a whole new level broke her entirety

Her innocence was soiled
Her hopes
Her feelings
Her aspirations too

And to time there on thus
No matter what tune life thrust
She heard not their songs
Her feelings froze and no one would she trust

They came for themselves
And they left her without
She learned from them though
Her hopes remained in a picture unframed

Her innocence was soiled
Her hopes
Her feelings
Her aspirations too

Momentarily Bereft?

Keane : Everybody's Changing 



Trying to take a hold of my own spiraling thoughts, while the heart feels like it's literally about to shatter, and the head feels like any second now - it will explode... tears trekking their course downward in a mad rush, breathing uncontrolled... I attempt to calm myself down, I speak to God. I know I should get up and pray, the actions I am well aware of, yet something makes my arms and legs numb. I move instead to this medium, to let it all out; is it anger, frustration, loss, a mixture of it all, I don't know. I know that it hurts... again.

The again makes me hurt more than it did the last time it had hurt again. This probably makes sense to few, but I am speaking to myself, and so it should hardly matter if someone else understands this. Heck, I don't understand myself anymore! Everything keeps changing, I do too, yet somewhere inside me alongside all the changes - something never got to grow, change, recover... In slow motion with deep rooted pain, everything plays back in a barbaric fashion, teasing you with an uncanny unreal sound screaming how you will remain stuck here forever. Here? Where is this? Am I in it? Who am I? Do I even know myself?

People claim to tell you what you need, from the little bits they hear you tell them about yourself. Suddenly they have solved the mystery of you, that you all along have been left dumbfounded by. Do they really know you? Does the amount you shared even count as valid information? Because all that you left out has its dibs on the person you are too, does it not? Does it? Do I know? I think not. But, I also think they don't know me, because I don't know myself. I could spin this around forever, and cause a few brain cells to spark out of life, but that doesn't change the reality of me. It doesn't even begin to unfold the answers with which I seek to douse myself. Breathe in, breathe out... another attempt to calm myself down, yet dang darn it, again!

Untouched spirit I am not. A fair share of pains I have inflicted on to the souls of those who cared. Perhaps my havoc is a resultant concoction of their woes beset upon me, post my actions that caused them grief? Karma loves to entangle its chords, deep and firmly, and play out the gruesome music it thus enables itself to produce - piercing through your senses, making you aware of your actions. Is being sorry - ardently desperately genuinely so - ever enough? Every time you get shot down, hurt, or left to figure things out, there you are with your ''Pandoras chest'' - wide open once again - set on a self display for examination of where it was that you went SO wrong that THIS is happening to you now.

Your faith teaches you; you reap what you sow. Your faith teaches you; On no soul doth God place a burden heavier than it can bear. Your faith teaches you; There is a better good behind all that happens - we just don't know/see it yet. Your faith teaches you the best of pearls -beautiful things- and yet you flounder, you blunder, you fall astray, and you question! Oh boy, do you question! You love Him, and SO you question. You question, and you plead, and you repent, and you finally simmer down all spent. You tell yourself, this too shall pass, and you are better than this. He has to make it better, and if you allow your faith to stumble without picking yourself back up, you're only going to fall further down a broken road that will throw you totally off course. You don't want that. You want to traverse the paths of happiness. You want to find the road that is right. It always has been the road that you've ever truly sought, and its been the very road that has been truly wily.

In this struggle to find right - with in myself - and to be able to practice right - through my self and my actions - I shall persevere. How many will misjudge me, and how many I will drive away, I know not. But to find true escape from the madness that is capable of boiling inside of me, while compassing my own motives, is something I hope to be able to find. With out it I fear, I will burn myself down, and at this point I don't know where to go to get away from it all.

A Sajdah or two, followed by beads of remembrance...
Through them I hope to cleanse all thus spewed. 


Allahumma innaka affuwwun tuhibbul afwa fa'fu anni
In Allaha Ma'asaabireen
Hasbun Allaahu Waneymul Wakeel

I Don't Understand Why

In the deadlock of your own words,
You let your emotions churn; then burn,
Suffocating yourself into a spiraling mayhem
Unleashed from an unwanted yearn,
Ghastly spirit of which you thought
Was never again going to return.
But caught up with you it has -damn it-
When you were least expecting it,
And left you spent it has once again,
Hating yourself for being so unsuspecting
Of its power on return.
Thus locked in a furnace
Of your own silent moans,
Wide eyed awake you lie crying,
Hushing yourself to reach out once again
Towards that Silent Omnipresence
To calm you down yet again please,
Before your turmoil drags you past sober
Wishing for all things to come to a resounding end.



When my eyes are closed the greatest stories get told; On awakening I find my dreams shattered on the floor... To free my soul, where do I go... I sometimes find it trapped in between somewhere being alone and no place else to go...

(These last lines are from a song called, ''Heartbreaker'', by Enrique Iglesius. The changes have been made to make it personal for myself -that is- how I feel about things. I saw them this way for myself when I heard him say them his way in his words.)

Useless Memories Galore

This fight I fight, to not let you get to me...
This fight I keep losing yet still
Asides from some very inconsequent few.
This fight I want to fight no more...
Please Dear God free me from repeats;
Reminders of moments that I want not
I beg Thee to shut tight these doors
That for me release nothing but
An acute pain from useless memories galore.

Ameen.

Indubitable Reliability

When I broke the sanctity of what existed as you and I, I sat at the labyrinth of lies and began wading through pools of deceit, fighting the pulls of tempestuous waves inorder to remain lucidly adrift, desperately wishing to once and for all dock upon a shore of trustworthy relationships, with an unshakable faith in their indubitable reliability.





Abba , The Winner Takes It All

Those Yesterday's Lies

The chorus of the song took me to times of my own; times when the lies were okay with me because I was too naive to see through the reality of what they really were...

It's a place where in we numb the natural ability of our senses to gauge right from wrong, and refuse to listen to that nagging silent incessant prodding finger that keeps poking us in the back as a warning until it is either too late to go back, or the hurt, the pain and the scars have already warped themselves all around - all abound.

The chorus took me to that place... A reminder which looking back in retrospect, makes me wonder in bewilderment about how closed minded we can become in that phase of life; how willfully blind and intricately myopic.

A beautiful in the moment, yet utterly sad place to be looped with in, these lies of yesterday... I pray for them to never be my today's ever again.


(I originally wrote this for another song, but replaced it with the current song above, because the intensity of the love a person feels for another, is ripping in the singer's voice; she sings the emotions out as intricately as I feel them myself through tears that treckle down my cheeks in reminders of those times past. When one can be a love lorn fool, unaware of the realities of real life, immersed in the depths of a painfully honest, mostly -sadly- a one sided emotion.)

Today No Longer There

When I here used to despair
There used be a you; always there
Showing in ways many
How much you could care

Perhaps I at that time did not notice
If any hearts for me had been laid out bare

Then when winds came out and blew on time
I just sat alone and stared;
Expressionless at passing faces 
Thinking of those that today were no longer there.

Anguished Weakness

It hurts... gosh it oh so still hurts...
like ever before, and just like then sore,
It hurts... It still hurts oh so much and then some more...
I pacify myself to let go,
Not walk to that place, no not again, oh no!
It beckons; strong memories from afore,
I frightened; beg the reel to please stop!
I wipe my tears and remind my heart to blot!
Conciously my mind begins to work on it...
Close my eyes I do then,
And with beads of prayer I decide to sleep on it...

It Still Hurts...

Times bygone; emotions controlled
Your power to hurt lived on untold

To my ownself; I was unaware
Inspite this time I could still so much care

Reminisced I did; re-lived the pain
Then told my mind to stop thinking in vain

2 Men - A Love Story with no End

There were two men who loved me
In their own way, in their own time,
Each love more than I could maintain...
One followed a different faith from mine

Only in name albeit and thus my own hopes I disdained.
The other man was married with a child
His child; one with his family name
And so I realised and convinced myself
That with not one or the other either
Was I to find my humble happy domain.
When I left them both, each in their own time
My heart was broken and theirs left supposedly insane
I continued to bereave myself of my loss
-And their loss-
And through all the recriminations
Knew I had no one else but myself,
Only my stubborn dog-headed-self to blame.
Most in speaking of such truth, would find shame
But with each decision respectively
My faith was staunchly guiding me
And I kept holding on to my decided difficult reins.
Therefore, thereby, accepting what I did
As a deed rightfully done
I must try to forget the past and its residual pains
I must strengthen my resolve to no more be weak
And about the past no more sulk or weep
For by lingering in those moments my heart re-opens 
Semi healed wounds partially in denial
While I through this tug of war of my incessant musings
Not for a second stand anything to gain.


And that is my story of two amazing men
Who came into my life but only to teach me lessons
That in my heart as a guiding light shall forever
Insha'Allah be ingrained,
And to reaffirm my belief in the age old proverb;
''It is better to have loved and lost
Than to have never loved at all''
-Where in I would love to add,
'Than to never have KNOWN love at all'',
And having said that, I will now let my words be at rest
For suddenly I feel empty but my mind is at peace 
And all of me feels some what mighty drained.