Trying to take a hold of my own spiraling thoughts, while the heart feels like it's literally about to shatter, and the head feels like any second now - it will explode... tears trekking their course downward in a mad rush, breathing uncontrolled... I attempt to calm myself down, I speak to God. I know I should get up and pray, the actions I am well aware of, yet something makes my arms and legs numb. I move instead to this medium, to let it all out; is it anger, frustration, loss, a mixture of it all, I don't know. I know that it hurts... again.
The again makes me hurt more than it did the last time it had hurt again. This probably makes sense to few, but I am speaking to myself, and so it should hardly matter if someone else understands this. Heck, I don't understand myself anymore! Everything keeps changing, I do too, yet somewhere inside me alongside all the changes - something never got to grow, change, recover... In slow motion with deep rooted pain, everything plays back in a barbaric fashion, teasing you with an uncanny unreal sound screaming how you will remain stuck here forever. Here? Where is this? Am I in it? Who am I? Do I even know myself?
People claim to tell you what you need, from the little bits they hear you tell them about yourself. Suddenly they have solved the mystery of you, that you all along have been left dumbfounded by. Do they really know you? Does the amount you shared even count as valid information? Because all that you left out has its dibs on the person you are too, does it not? Does it? Do I know? I think not. But, I also think they don't know me, because I don't know myself. I could spin this around forever, and cause a few brain cells to spark out of life, but that doesn't change the reality of me. It doesn't even begin to unfold the answers with which I seek to douse myself. Breathe in, breathe out... another attempt to calm myself down, yet dang darn it, again!
Untouched spirit I am not. A fair share of pains I have inflicted on to the souls of those who cared. Perhaps my havoc is a resultant concoction of their woes beset upon me, post my actions that caused them grief? Karma loves to entangle its chords, deep and firmly, and play out the gruesome music it thus enables itself to produce - piercing through your senses, making you aware of your actions. Is being sorry - ardently desperately genuinely so - ever enough? Every time you get shot down, hurt, or left to figure things out, there you are with your ''Pandoras chest'' - wide open once again - set on a self display for examination of where it was that you went SO wrong that THIS is happening to you now.
Your faith teaches you; you reap what you sow. Your faith teaches you; On no soul doth God place a burden heavier than it can bear. Your faith teaches you; There is a better good behind all that happens - we just don't know/see it yet. Your faith teaches you the best of pearls -beautiful things- and yet you flounder, you blunder, you fall astray, and you question! Oh boy, do you question! You love Him, and SO you question. You question, and you plead, and you repent, and you finally simmer down all spent. You tell yourself, this too shall pass, and you are better than this. He has to make it better, and if you allow your faith to stumble without picking yourself back up, you're only going to fall further down a broken road that will throw you totally off course. You don't want that. You want to traverse the paths of happiness. You want to find the road that is right. It always has been the road that you've ever truly sought, and its been the very road that has been truly wily.
In this struggle to find right - with in myself - and to be able to practice right - through my self and my actions - I shall persevere. How many will misjudge me, and how many I will drive away, I know not. But to find true escape from the madness that is capable of boiling inside of me, while compassing my own motives, is something I hope to be able to find. With out it I fear, I will burn myself down, and at this point I don't know where to go to get away from it all.
A Sajdah or two, followed by beads of remembrance...
Through them I hope to cleanse all thus spewed.
Allahumma innaka affuwwun tuhibbul afwa fa'fu anni
In Allaha Ma'asaabireen
Hasbun Allaahu Waneymul Wakeel
2 comments:
People claim to tell you what you need, from the little bits they hear you tell them about yourself...so very true hun..sometimes no matter how positive we are ...things get you down -and we question even the good things in our lives...IA better brighter days are ahead xxx
inshaAllah is all we can depend on indeed!
jazakAllah Khayr sweets :)
x
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