Harud

Picture Courtesy: facebook.com/Kashmir.pictures
http://static.ibnlive.in.com/ibnlive/pix/ibnhome/fallindiart10.jpg

I was supposed to be coerced into liking Autumn before Winter, followed by Spring and then, ugh - Summer - neither of us liked the latter. You disappeared before sharing Autumn with me. Now every picture of Autumn everywhere I will see, will burn me like your Chinar trees in Harud.

Demons of Their Past

All it took was a picture of you in baby blue and white.

It pierced through the cemented walls
The grave I thought was permanent, shattered open.
Rose back out Alexander the great,
Arousing the hairs on the back of everything alive
To stand up and scream
To brace themselves and shriek in agony
From unwelcome memories.
Go back to sleep please.
Go to Italy, Go back to Germany,
San Francisco, Brazil, Goa, Juhu,
Go where ever it is that love embraces you
And wear that ring proud
It shines so bright
As did the prospect of you and I once
But that was an embryo that was miscarried long ago.
The placenta has been laid down to rest
So now please let the lens of the other
Shoot you in your glamour in privacy
There is no room for this view I have of you
in my suggested feed, on the right, under a post,
or an invite of an add request from another brother.
Go away; I know you never wanted to
I pushed the doors closed and I left you screaming in the dark
But that darkness was all enveloping
And it was a salve that needed to be applied
The scrapes were blistering and the wound was deepening
The pain would never go away so the pill had to be gulped
And years later it seems the effects have begun wearing thing
So I turn to an empty page and scream into this empty night
And tell the song ringing in the background to truly fade away
For Where you are now is of no use to me.
The monsters only know how to run wild
And the torment of years ago needs to rest.
Crushing what was real and breathing
For I am not prepared to have to do it again.
I can’t. You can’t. We can’t.
It was never meant to be
So please take your baby blue and white
And leave my breath alone.
I need to let it all be faded.
No shadows. No etchings. Nothing.
The water will always haunt me
But that is also truly where I find
Some semblance of a salvation.
Ya Allah – You are The Effacer.
Please Cleanse me and Hold Me.
For you I walked away and I desperately
need You to Efface me and Love me!
Ameen.

Misunderstandings and Gaps

Sometimes we get so used to having conversations with ourselves that we forget how much gets lost when we don't actually speak all that was in our head to people. What was said out loud and what wasn't becomes a blur and misunderstands happen. Only compassion can heal such slips. Usually of a Divine kind. Us people seldom have such a big heart.

When Everything Aches

Every part of me feels broken, inside out. Heal all of us who are broken, Ya Allah. Only You Know how. Protect us from all that is evil around us. Only You Know what we need saving from. Ameen Ya Rabb Al Ameen.

Families and Celebrations

Some families come together to celebrate while some families forever wait to come together to celebrate. Some families celebrate together. Some families try to forget what isn't right and work on celebrating together. Both families pray. Only Allah swt Knows how to fix what feels not right. May He Heal and Uplift both families. Ameen.

Mediocre

Leela; Where I Paused, Breathed, and Prayed

I sit here tonight, my last night here insha’Allah for the foreseeable future. Tears stream down my face, for it is not just tonight, but every night that I need to be more grateful. It has been ever more heavy on my heart where I feel that I am unable to express my gratitude to my Lord. I have moments of no emotion and thoughts, while I live my now – and my now, when I stop to think about it, is grand and splendid and everything rich. It is my blessing. It is my now. Am I making the most of it? Am I being grateful enough? Have I taken advantage of it as I was meant to? Has it given me peace and contentment? Am I looking deeper into in a now that is not any deeper than I have already reached? Why am I feeling like I am missing something? I ache from a fear that I may be doing something wrong? I deliberately am not. I consciously am trying to do all things right. I pray I am not wasting my grace. I pray I am doing justice with the share that I have been endowed with and blessed with. I am surrounded by splendor and majesty; in spirit and in manifest glory. I am in the middle of it. Every ounce of me, when it just stops and feels, overwhelms itself to tears. Tears seem to have become my expression of happiness, joy, reaction to beauty, sadness, responses to pain, brokenness, and everything else in between. Are tears going to be my salvation as I tread forward onto a shaken path, finding myself again? If nothing else, I pray my eternity will remove all doubt and shower me with a union of unparalleled peace and happiness. I want to be grateful for everything else until then. I pray my fallen grace never fails to get back up and say thanks. I pray my hope never bleeds out. I pray that the overwhelming questions go to sleep and wake up to answers that will stand sturdy, take my hand, and all will be alright. Insha’Allah. Oh Allah, please accept my thanks, for everything. For every moment and thing and person who helps me remember You more. Please bless them. I love You.

Forgiveness of Sins

I wear my sins upon my skin,
as it breaks and peels about me,
This disgrace I accept...
With every wear and tear of my bones,
I wilt within, remembering
the roads of folly and brave naivette
that they chose to walk upon,
Their weakness I accept...
This heart, this soul,
and all the memories
which they begrudgingly encapsulate
I writhe in pain from them being evoked
For in my power their dousing
does not work,
dismembering each segment
of how when and why they surfaced
the mind to its fate surrenders
and the soul that in its myriads
had fornicated,
lies naked and begging to be
wiped clean, be washed,
and be purified of all memories
that come alight when a random
story is being told
and it’s masked glory is
shining like soldered gold...
For a jaded heart and its sordid mess
has no place for promises
that lied and tore
as they unabashedly caressed
the surface clean and left it disgustingly black.
Forever scrubbing...
washing...
scraping...
peeling...
wishing to undo the layers,
of stench and hell
that each memory played
on its beaten mattress
Upon which the soul laid down
and recoiled…
I close my eyes; shut them very tight
And my lips fervently beg.
My soul travels till where
You, my Lord, will allow it go
in its sleep or when awake
and my soul continues
to throw itself upon Your Walls
and burns in hope for your Mercy
That one day this soul of mine
will be freed; totally cleansed
like a new born baby,
and with Your Permission
the heart will beat again.
With Your Permission
it will breathe again.
With Your Permission
the soul will be granted
entry into Your Haven
and will thence never fall again.
Inna lillahi wa inna ilaihi rajioon.
To God; Allah, we belong
and to Him is our return.

Tawakkul