I sit here tonight, my last
night here insha’Allah for the foreseeable future. Tears stream down my face,
for it is not just tonight, but every night that I need to be more grateful. It
has been ever more heavy on my heart where I feel that I am unable to express
my gratitude to my Lord. I have moments of no emotion and thoughts, while I
live my now – and my now, when I stop to think about it, is grand and splendid
and everything rich. It is my blessing. It is my now. Am I making the most of
it? Am I being grateful enough? Have I taken advantage of it as I was meant to?
Has it given me peace and contentment? Am I looking deeper into in a now that
is not any deeper than I have already reached? Why am I feeling like I am
missing something? I ache from a fear that I may be doing something wrong? I
deliberately am not. I consciously am trying to do all things right. I pray I
am not wasting my grace. I pray I am doing justice with the share that I have
been endowed with and blessed with. I am surrounded by splendor and majesty; in
spirit and in manifest glory. I am in the middle of it. Every ounce of me, when
it just stops and feels, overwhelms itself to tears. Tears seem to have become
my expression of happiness, joy, reaction to beauty, sadness, responses to
pain, brokenness, and everything else in between. Are tears going to be my
salvation as I tread forward onto a shaken path, finding myself again? If
nothing else, I pray my eternity will remove all doubt and shower me with a
union of unparalleled peace and happiness. I want to be grateful for everything
else until then. I pray my fallen grace never fails to get back up and say
thanks. I pray my hope never bleeds out. I pray that the overwhelming questions
go to sleep and wake up to answers that will stand sturdy, take my hand, and
all will be alright. Insha’Allah. Oh Allah, please accept my thanks, for
everything. For every moment and thing and person who helps me remember You
more. Please bless them. I love You.
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