She died - She lived (I)

~ May 1st, 2007...

She was rushed into the ER -old, frail, having a language barrier as well as a hearing aid- partly screaming and partly moaning in pain.

I quickly briefed the on call doctor at the desk about when the pain began and how we had handled her since it had begun and only kept getting worse.

She was adamant that someone her own stick around, and so the doctors permitted me to stand aside, inside their busy ER because of her status, while they administered drugs and procedures on her.

Minutes passed, or was it seconds? She was moved to another aisle, slightly pacified, when suddenly she screamed out loud -in a voice that would forever haunt me later- followed by a silence accompanied by an eerie, long, piercing monotone of a beep from the monitor that displayed the heart beat.

Nurses rushed forth, doctors surrounded her, machines were rolled in and shocks administered. From the sidelines at a little distance to keep out of their way, in an out of body like experience, I watched silently as her twig like body lifted from the bed and slammed back onto the bed twice.

Huge breaths of air were gulped in, as sighs of relief echoed through out the group- her breathing was back and so was her angst of pain.

I watched as the doctors spoke amongst themselves, and relayed instructions to the nurses beside her bed, on what was to be further done with her.

But only mere minutes, seemingly like seconds had passed when her moaning stopped, and there it was again... That haunting, peircing, bland beep from the monitor, AGONG on repeat!

Another round of shocks were administered, followed by an argument between the two doctors on either side of her, an injection brought around and given. I was too numb to notice where. The next thing I remember, is the doctor saying, ''It's no use, she is gone, let's all stop now!'' He had barely uttered the words out, when there was a loud noise of air being sucked in, two eyes wide open in blank stares, followed by shouts of a person in agony.

She came back again. It was like something kept dragging her soul back into her body. I remember thinking at the time that it was perhaps because my cousins were arriving later that evening, and she did not want to go without saying goodbye. I stood and watched quitely- a little numb, a little scared- in those moments so gripped with this unknown feeling, that I could'nt even pray. I kept saying, ''Oh God please take her, just let her go! Let it be over. She's in too much pain. Don't bring her back. Just let her go!''

But she was back, and I stood there -feeling invisible- worried, waiting, wondering, if she was about to go again, like she did the last two times. To the 'me standing by', it was like she was back from the dead.