Sunday, 31 January 2010

Myriad of emotions / Closure - I

Today, I have very little idea about what it is that I wish to jot down before going about this exercise that mostly helps me reflect over my own psyche (or my actions) and cleanse accordingly. Usually my mind latches on to an idea and then unfolds on its own. Right now, I have been just dodging thoughts that are flippantly being tossed around inside my head, being unable to decipher what emotion is attached to each lonely fragment, and why...

For a moment there, I caught myself thinking - ''Is this what they mean by coming around a full circle?''

I was 19. I believed I had fallen in love. Perhaps in my naivette, I actually had fallen in love the best I could at that time. I don't believe in tricks and games. He was a family friend, so once my mind showed my heart the green signal to accept this emotion, I wrote and told my parents about my feelings inorder for them to be able to approach the gentleman, or his family, or whatever it is that people do in such a situation. I also, at the same time, told him how I felt. To cut the whole story short, after being hung around at his convinience, I was discarded by his mum (this is what I understand based on my one sided knowledge of events today). He had'nt ever truly made any promises per se, hence I could'nt hold him accountable for leaving me in the wry or whatever that situation would be called.

Fast forward, past 10 years, 1 relationship and 2 interests - all of which failed (subhaanAllah) - I stand today awaiting to turn 30 this October. The latter part of 2009, brings back into my life the gentleman (who I fell in love with at 19); divorced, and seemingly interested yet again. I don't pretend to hate him (simply because I don't), nor do I love him though (as life has shown me since, an abundance in all kinds of things -good or bad- only to learn better what I want from life today, and all that life has to offer in return). I was clear about how things stood at my end, making sure he understood that I was genuinely not interested. I still respect him. But not in the same way that matters to marry someone. The differences between us, are those that I did not see 10 years ago, but clearly see now. So much so, that they don't even allow him to come close to the picture of someone I would wish to share my life with today (I'll leave those details out of this narration as they are simply not important, nor relavant here).

I get a call from his friend today, someone who I sit down for a discourse with for the FIRST time in my life! He was calling to clear up things about where I stood in this equation (persistently reminding me that he was calling on his own accord and his friend was unaware and should remain so). I voiced myself without any reserve, just so that we were clear on nothing being possible in the future, and I genuinely wished him and his family well in their life. It took me more than 30 minutes to convince this friend who called in. I found the entire exchange, humourous in a way that I could wind someone up in such a manner. Mind you I was'nt proud about it, but it pleases me to no end when people insist on making the other person AGREE with THEIR view on things. When someone cannot agree to disagree, I get wound up! It was such a scenario that ultimately had him wound up and that was the end of our convo, it being decided that I was not cut out for his friend. Hence my feeling of coming a full circle with him, 10 years thus.

I had to close the door completely, by telling my mum about this. I made her promise to forget the entire bit once I was done telling her so, because I did not want this matter discussed and dissected any further. On telling her, I realised that my mum was in complete denial of the fact that I turn 30 this year, and she found it very depressing that the first/only ''so called offer of a marriage'' that I received in 3 decades, I had turned it down...

Im at peace with my decision and the way that I handled it, without letting my emotions and previous rejection take precedance. I can't help but feel a little happy about winding the friend up because it was over some sexist comments that he was making about people ''needing'' to change after marriage, and how we can overcome the impossible if we only try, etc. all of which in the given examples, to me were situations too unreal in life, and more movi-esque, if that were to be an actual word!

Anyhoo... mum in denial about my age, has left me a little sad about my reality right now. Perhaps this vague mood is what has propelled me to write it all out to make some sense of it, but at the moment Im left with feeling no better than I did, from when I had started.

Life and its myriad of emotions, sometimes leave me numb, post having felt them all at once around the same time!

4 comments:

Moni said...

Allah khair karega inshaAllah. Dua's for you.

Hayaah said...

Moni mera bhai moni, or moni a random 1st reader on my blog? :D

JazakAllah Khayr for the duas, regardless!

Alhumdulillah, the above noted words are the result of his Khair aplenty... Its an im grateful post... not supposed to be sad at all :)

I think ?

ommarah said...

Wow..I loved that..darling 30 and fabulous is what I say..as I near it I realise we become so much more aware of who we are, how we effect ppl and how wrong or right they r for us and vice versa. You hun are a brave lady -and am positive you made the right decision..Allah has destined a time and place for us all IA -to meet our perfect other halves ..breath and continue to have faith chica-as I know u do. Mums will be mums..they always worry ..but Allah works in mysterious ways so lets enjoy the ride
Thank you for this blog-it really helped me realise that us women of today take so much on ..but we know and have learnt so much as well..and decisions are made for reasons...let your wisdom continue to guide u x

Hayaah said...

Totally agree with everything you say, Ommarah :) I truly am trying to enjoy the ride, sometimes successfully and sometimes not so much. But trying is the half of it, is what Ive always believed in, so try away I still must do :D

You're very welcome, rather I should be thanking you for your words of encouragement which mean so much to me! iA to the dua... Ameen!

May we all be able to stand tall and pretty through this journey of life :)

Ameen!