Wednesday 6 May 2009

We're supposed to learn(? ...)

(I had a beautiful song link which has been removed from you tube now. If anyone finds a version please share. Its a song called - Nothing compares to you - from the movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall and its by a singer called Danial Ho).



Today in class I learnt that when students make errors it is an evidence of learning having taken place…

What are the mistakes that we make through this life, proof of? Is there any evidence in those mistakes, of learning taking place? Are we learning that which we are supposed to, from our mistakes and errenous judgements? Where are these supposed well planned roads leading to? All the confusion and the hardships, what is it that they are trying to equip us with?

Knowing right from wrong, we are supposed to choose the right road and be at peace with making the sane choice. Things are supposed to be better for us there on… Right?

Then why must the choices we sometimes make hurt other people so much? Especially when it is the last thing we want to do – hurt them that is…

So much pain… So many tears… So much that aches with in from being unable to choose the wrong path knowing that it leads to pain undoubtedly!

Why cant we just skip the painful parts and actually be at peace in that moment when we do take the right road, the good road of choice... Why must one road lead to another, then another, and yet another, one after the other to keep on throwing choices at us? To decide between the rights and wrongs, when the wrongs seem so appealing and just right, for that mere moment be it… And those ''rights'' are bound to hurt in the long run…

I had to leave him in spite of knowing how much he loved me… It was the love we read of in fairytales and watch in movies… It hurt so damn much because I loved him too and knew how much pain I was going to cause him by making the choice I had to because it was the right one…

Five years later, someone else now loves me in an almost similar vein of intensity and nature... The right road leads me away from him, yet again… To them both I cause the pain of choosing my right road, which I know takes me away from him… from them both!

And the road that I wish could be my road continues to steer away from me, keeping its barricades up at all times, only allowing in sneak peaks once in a blue moon…

Why must what one wants of another, not be mutual? Why must someone be left in pain? Always...

If I am the cause of this pain to another, a third 'other' is a cause of it to me... Karma? What goes around comes around? Why does pain have to come around, when to begin with, hearts are in a good place, an honest place?

Why can’t these roads be clear… How many pebbles and bricks am I to keep swerving around while treading these paths… Will I ever get my course right on track? Am I learning that what I am supposed to, through these blockages and check points of life that are trying to make me learn through the stumbles I have had as yet? What if I am just stumbling in the dark here, as that is what it feels like right now while I fight these tears of pain trying to make sense of these insane questions to which I am not really seeking an answer, but and then again, perhaps I am?

I am causing pain to others. Am I actually to ever find the right track of mine that would sooth this searing ache that comes and goes like seasons that have lost their sense of time?

I must watch out for myself first. That’s the lesson I know I have learnt through my past hurdles. In doing so I might not be able to save the pain that the heart of another feels because of me, but I must brace myself and continue to fend for myself first because it is essential to my sanity…

But while I will lay a veil over my eyes, ears, mouth and remain incapable of using my senses in order to numb my pain, I must continue to incessantly chant my prayer of repentance asking for forgiveness if I am unknowingly in some way encouraging these people, thereby causing them that pain, and also to continue praying for the ease of their aches and for my own peace before I lose my mind!

Please dear God help me stay strong through these moments when I choose You above the temptations of this world and it’s very many people… Please Stay by my side and Keep me close to You always…

Ameen!

4 comments:

Linda S. Socha said...

Such a sad and Painful post. I of course wonder about the paths and the bricks and the stones in your reflections.....I want to say that I am sorry you are going through this heartache even though I know I do not really understand the source.
LInda

Hayaah said...

The source is too conflicting and confusing this one time to elaborate on... its a demon with in myself that I need to squash, and remain steadfast in my decision of doing one thing over another...

Sadly said ''thing'' is happening during a very content phase of my life, otherwise... all the more why its worrying me so.

Thank you for ur thoughts and wishes and do pls jst ignore my utter wroughtened state of being at the mmnt -_-

Natalie said...

Big hug and love to you , Hayaah. You sound like you need it, along with a big ,soothing sleep.xx♥

Hayaah said...

Appreciate the hugs and love Natalie :)

Ive barely been able to blog off late and havent been able to keep up with yours either. Studies have been keeping me busy.

I did get some good sleep :) and things are much better now, Alhumdulillah! God does indeed help promptly when we seek it ever so earnestly. Its eerie how the intesity of things can so smoothly faze out sometimes... I just hope there are no repeats of the same issue, after a lull of sorts for now...

Lotsa love and hugs to you too! :D