Monday, 5 January 2009

Lost beyond words, and then some...

I sit here thinking about all the failures I have lived, the disappointment that I have been to those around me expecting to make something of myself, and to myself, forever waiting to see myself succeed at something, make someone... anyone, proud of the person I am.

I wait on to see such a day... I wish on it, unabashed, resilient inspite of all the falls, despite the sad eyes and dejected voices of those around me, the lack of arms holding me, saving me from the stumbles that I have taken; sadly not unhurt, but thankfully survived, having learnt to be a little stronger, be patient for just a little longer...

As a child I think I was loved. But then near 10 yrs of age, the attention moved to a younger sibling, and then yet another. My childhood was lost to setting a good example and looking after the younger ones.

Perhaps it was destiny that my young self was also meant to be put through a molestation of sorts, meant to be repeated by perpetrators more than one, right in the safety of a place that was 'supposed' to be my sanctuary, to be home. Ravaged by it for some years I was, scared out of my wits, sometimes driven beyond sanity, wondering if it was a fault of my own that this happened to me, not once, but over and over, time and again.

Allah saved me. He did not let me die when that was all I wanted. Tainted, scarred, I decided to live on. Barricading my mind to the pain and loss of normalcy, I dragged my feet on, having lost all and any interest in school. Passing it without any emotion, continuing to disappoint the expectations of parents and teachers.

''She isn't stupid, it's just that she needs to work harder, but she won't.''

'' Perhaps, she should study something else. She is not smart enough for this?''

''I think her friends should be changed. They are misguiding her.''

''She is lazy. She is a good for nothing!''

''I don't know what she will do in life!''

.... voices echo in my mind, my heart in its deep recesses feels a pain that my mind has, with lots of practice, learnt to numb. Therefore, with a face that shows a lack of emotion, eyes that mostly succeed in staying dry and lips that are forced not to tremble, I face all, letting them believe what they may, what they 'know' to be right.

I am then sent to a college, without being given any choice, with a subject decided by my mother, to study, finally away from home. Why I want to work hard at it, I know not. But I do, and I do pretty well. But not well enough, for when I work hard, I seldom see the results that I had sought. I must be greatful for my mediocrity. Teachers love those they know. I must not seek their approval, for they only love the best. As do parents, they only love the best. I was tainted. I must remember that.

I finish studies and get a job. I hold it for 2 years, followed by 2 years of seeking another employment. I get called for interviews, but I do not secure a job. My mediocrity again, is it? Jobs are given to the best. Apparently, I cannot teach, as is all I am qualified to do. I cannot write, as I wish to do. My soul knows not which way to tread no more, my words I can write, but who's to read them? Are they worth anything with their mediocrity? Does the world hold any place for us of mediocre status?

Mediocre mind, mediocre looks, mediocre achievements...

Men they seek beauty... their mothers seek the best...

Work, it seeks the most accomplished... their recruitment only for the most outstanding...

Where do I stand? All I have to hold on to steadfast, is my faith in my Lord, and not loose hope and keep praying 'for the best', keeping my faith staunch and knowing 'something better is in store for me', but how long I will be this strong, I know not... How long will I be able to hold on, not break, I know not...

I am keeping my heart on hold in fear... No one wants me... They want their temporary respite in me if at all. Everyone else wants the best. Best was never me.

I am keeping my brain in question... No one will hire me... They want their employees, with better degrees, and better accents and nationalities. Better anything was never me.

I am only me.
I don't know how to be anything else.
I don't know how to be anyone else.
I don't know what else to do, but pray.

I do pray.
Till the moment I can breathe... I will pray.

Maybe my hereafter will have something ''better'' for me, where I can hope to be the ''best''?

Allahu Alim.


Eramsurviv0r said...

If it makes you feel any're not alone in this. Those feelings , those past experiences and traumas....unfortunately, you're not alone...

You speak about mediocrity is if all the "others" are nothing but elitist geniuses...I swear to god, I work with some people that don't even know how to spell "Hi" low-expectation ignorant dead beats. nothing but shallow swamps inside their minds..

They kind of just got washed up here by fate's currents.
Don't give up just now...keep paddling your little may seem to you that nothing is worth it anymore...nothing in the horizon, but you will find your safe haven soon will finally "reach".
Your fate's currents will take you there eventually...please don't give up just yet...

Take care of yourself,
...and hang in there

Hayaah said...

Thanx eram... nicely said indeed :) iA, one day i'll look back at it all, happy where i'll be then... Ameen.

As for others, they themselves dont bother me as much as my own inability to match it does, or the feeling of being inadequate that is thrown in my face because of events happening...

ommarah said...

Omg -I love it -is amazing how we learn to value ourselves through the eyes of others in life -only to find that if we dont trust our instincts and accept what we r -ourselves -no one else can either..
What is mediocre to you my friend -is definitely fantastic reason, a sharp wit and mind to me !Keep them coming -is always wonderful to read your blogs -I toast-continous writing to thee!

Hayaah said...

wow dear... u really backlogged into this piece! :)

Thanx for reading my crazies and raising my morale love! Truly appreciate it... A painful mind sure can ramble at times... I do sometimes surprise myself in hindsight...

Im honoured by ur ending note!
jazakAllah khayr :)