Tuesday, 7 June 2011

Who Am I?

Born in a place where she was destined to be. Grew up the only way she knew how, around whatever it was that she had. That was what made her who she was. The people she met, real or reel, they were the ones who she grew up watching; unknowingly - they were the ones she wanted to be like, they were whom she drew inspirations from - and to keep the balance in check - some of them were also whom she grew up fearing and wishing to keep away from - them and all their sorts...

The things, the people, the places that make us who we are today are all pre-destined and not something 'we' chose. It was our Maker (The All Knowing swt), and then our parents (and so on) who made the effective decisions. It was only after the first five or so years later, that we actually began remembering what it was that we wanted to do... be... etc. From there on we began our journey, and when one begins such a journey, hardly do they know what lies in store for them ahead...

... Some find their dreams effortlessly, some struggle to come close to them, some achieve them after a lot of hard work, while many more still are never able to accomplish even one, if any at all. The people that we become is not necessarily what we had planned.

What nation do I belong to?

What is my religion?

Who are my people?

The only question that I knew how to answer early on was that my people are those who love me for who I am, as I am. Some were family and some my friends - be they today near, or far.

My religion was something I was born into but for the lack of practicing examples around me at that time, something I never really believed in. I grew up being a prime example of monkey see, monkey do - and also saying what was always heard - perhaps we can call that what baby hear, baby says? My own opinion of it all was something I had not even come close to forming. To think for oneself was not something I had learned to do until many a years later into adulthood.

To what nation did I belong, is a question I still struggle with to date; three decades into having lived this life. To some that would be a really long time, and to some yet, not so much. Depends on what side of the movie screen one is seated at. Born on a land that refuses to give you it's name. Born around a people who refuse to immerse you amidst the people around whom you are born, thereby confining you to their own kind in 'said land'. Growing up around what was available, listening, watching, eating, growing up thus similarly emulating - you became, you. On visiting the land that 'your people' came from, you found yourself a little lost on finding a connection incomplete. On voicing this disconnect, you found yourself being left on the sidelines, or simply being accompanied to the door to stand outside; you did not fit in. This unsettled your heart. It made you question yourself. It also made you feel a little lost with regards to where you were meant to be, and who it was that you were meant to be.The land that felt like home did not want to keep you. The people who felt like home did not always understand you, and living around them after a short period of time, you began craving your home - theirs was not yours, this was clear as day, and you surely wanted night. Strife seemed to be your solid companion, but such is what by now you have been learning to call life.

Somewhere along all this searching, you had atleast found religion for yourself, and in the safety of your Lord's Omnipresence, irrespective of land or people, there was immense peace! Alhumdulillah! With That Hand to hold, you took on every hurdle, every steep climb and fall with hope. To give up was wrong, this faith sometimes shaken, managed to remain -in general- strong. But who it was that you were, and today see yourself to be, when telling others on being asked - remained a quelling mystery. Rejection from all that was home did not come easy. Acceptance from all that was not home, was a struggle to be faced every now and then. To find energy to last through it all, was one of the many tests that had to be sat through. To find firm footing, to find contentment, to find company, to find understanding, all towards a place to call your abode...

And such were the many aspirations sought by her seemingly very wanting soul, hereby rendered thus.

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