All that I wanted was there, but something essential was missing...
All that has to date been missing; I hope to find with all that I want, someday, before I give up on it in all entirety.
Why I say/think this/? Because time has been proving that all which I used to hope for, keeps dwindling into a numb state, or one where in I no more wish for that and its like anymore.
This apathy towards things that were once a part of me and important to me, worries me when I allow it to; these days in between being busy, hassled, and tired.
Is this a changed me, or is this a 'changing' me?
An amalgamation of 3 decades it seems...
Was this how you felt?
1st Oct 2010
A deep unrest; a heart under duress. Is that what it felt like when you were here once? Why must the plateau refuse to come? Is it something I am missing, or is it something in me that is missing? You have your questions and I have mine. You have your pain, just as I do mine. An empty company with which I spend most of my unspoken thoughts. This friendly presence who tries mostly futilely to calm me down. A voracious uproar with in my head. The heart has been numbed and sarcasm garnished with disdain (albeit sometimes) has begun its reign instead. Scratch that, one more day gone; accomplished not a jot. Perhaps another body hurt through the lash of my unchecked tongue? Oh dear, deep inside somewhere I know instantly that I am sorry. But it seems like, hidden deep in the recesses of this heart is hidden a pain so wretchedly strong, that unaware it fuels a contempt that it doesn't really wish to fling about on its unchosen company. A wish to fly away; seems not to be happening. A wish to see the unknown; seems not on the charts. A wish, and some more, seem incessant in their numbers; these wishes -mere wishes- shall live on as sores. With pseudo controlled emotions, this being continues to take a deep breathe and watch on life's show.
14th Oct. 2010
It may all go well, after all.
This 'may' carries on its shoulders a heavy burden.
And 'well' to be honest, I perceive as conjecture.
15th Oct 2010