Friday, 15 October 2010

To the self:: Questions - With the self:: A Monologue - For the self:: A Recess

All that I wanted was there, but something essential was missing...

All that has to date been missing; I hope to find with all that I want, someday, before I give up on it in all entirety.

Why I say/think this/? Because time has been proving that all which I used to hope for, keeps dwindling into a numb state, or one where in I no more wish for that and its like anymore.

This apathy towards things that were once a part of me and important to me, worries me when I allow it to; these days in between being busy, hassled, and tired.

Is this a changed me, or is this a 'changing' me?

An amalgamation of 3 decades it seems...


Was this how you felt?



2:37am
1st Oct 2010
Friday




A deep unrest; a heart under duress. Is that what it felt like when you were here once? Why must the plateau refuse to come? Is it something I am missing, or is it something in me that is missing? You have your questions and I have mine. You have your pain, just as I do mine. An empty company with which I spend most of my unspoken thoughts. This friendly presence who tries mostly futilely to calm me down. A voracious uproar with in my head. The heart has been numbed and sarcasm garnished with disdain (albeit sometimes) has begun its reign instead. Scratch that, one more day gone; accomplished not a jot. Perhaps another body hurt through the lash of my unchecked tongue? Oh dear, deep inside somewhere I know instantly that I am sorry. But it seems like, hidden deep in the recesses of this heart is hidden a pain so wretchedly strong, that unaware it fuels a contempt that it doesn't really wish to fling about on its unchosen company. A wish to fly away; seems not to be happening. A wish to see the unknown; seems not on the charts. A wish, and some more, seem incessant in their numbers; these wishes -mere wishes- shall live on as sores. With pseudo controlled emotions, this being continues to take a deep breathe and watch on life's show.

4:26pm
14th Oct. 2010
Thursday



It may all go well, after all.
This 'may' carries on its shoulders a heavy burden.
And 'well' to be honest, I perceive as conjecture.

11:00pm
15th Oct 2010
Friday

2 comments:

bilevens said...

sometiems, hayaah, we become so encumbered with analyzing ourselves, becoming spectators of the marathon of our lives that we forget to run.

forget to live.

we need to live, each day, make progress in every area of our life. improve. it takes a willing heart. more than anything else. more than time and knowledge.

bilevens

Hayaah said...

True that...

But I beg to differ on the time bit... it takes a willing heart but time is of essence for if you run out of it, all willingness is left to no avail...

sorry abt the super late response...
x