In this moment now I really do!!!
I cant stop crying, as I have just now, fallen in my own eyes. I kicked a half grown puppy dog, less than half my size, without seeing where I hit it, because I was SO angry that I couldnt control myself! I am SO SO SO angry at myself that I cant stop crying at something that I have done and cannot go back to change. Even though I know it was more a light tap like hit, I cant seem to get over the fact that it just kept coming back wagging its happy tail oblivious to my state of distress! Had I hurt a human, I could go back and say I am sorry. How does one apologise to an animal that cant even speak for itself.
EVERYDAY I complain about how my father and his minion constantly hit the dogs when they dont listen, and how awfully inhuman their treatment is. Why they have them at home is something I just cant seem to understand! It is useless when no one trains them properly. They know nothing but extremes. Two people constantly hit them for anything that they dont do when asked, and three other people let them lick em, and cuddle em and what not. These puppies - like every other pair that has ever been brought to our house in the past - have been treated without any boundaries, with excess love and excess violence, void of any semblence of a balance. While I write this my tears seemed to have stopped flowing, but my heart is twisted in a knot, unable to bear the pain that is coming from self-hate and remorse over resorting to my father's way, by lashing out in anger, and hitting a poor, selfless little animal, just because it was too stupid to listen to me...
How does one make amends after such an act of physical disdain?! I had been so much better about these things, for so many years now... And here I went and broke my promise to self, of not hurting any soul knowingly! The remorse is killing me right now!
This is not the person I set out to be
Committing sins ever so grievously
I had made promises to myself
In moments uncontrolled, had no resistance
Left my own heart and soul scathed; deeply scorched
In restless prayer I sat down and wept
I hoped for my slate to be wiped clean of these whims
I cried prayed and begged to be purged of these sins!
My emotions offlate, leave me trying to understand myself, and justify my own actions failingly. I feel like in some moments I am someone else, not in my own control.
I can't help but hate myself. For days ive been angry with my dad for the useless ''supposed'' training that he believes he is practicing, by hitting the wretched souls when they disobey instead of giving them treats and the time they need to be properly trained. I have bemoaned him of doing it, and how do I justify retaliating the dogs attempt to get in my way when I had a stack of dishes in my hands and I kept screaming at it to stay away and it just refused to listen no matter how much I raised my voice and in a reflex I kicked O_O
Every sec I think back I tear up and hate myself all over again!!!
Im miserable. I wish I could just switch the button off somewhere and stop feeling.