Saturday, 31 January 2009

Where did I go wrong?

I am starting to believe it was when all things else in life, were outweighing what should have been actually important…

But nobody knows of tomorrows, and today’s matters are pressing.

Quite lost as I was finishing school, I never really gave much thought to future studies and how important they would be when time would come to venture forth into real life.

Fumbling through the pains caused inside a place called home, I saw leaving it a reason good enough to not over think it at the time.

‘‘I am 17. 21 is a good age to be married. Maximum 23? I want to make a loving home, be a perfect wife, a mother to happy kids, and all will be dandy.’’

Such were my thoughts, or perhaps I should say dreams, when I was wrapping up with school…

Mum decided I was far too dumb for anything else being offered as a choice of study in her and Dads alma mater, and therefore forms were filled up and I was sent off to study what had been chosen for me.

Not career oriented at all in my goals, I got a Bachelors Degree followed by a Masters. Then reality dawned that I would have to return home. Therefore I spent another year rebelling. I use the word ‘rebellion’ because I didn’t want to do a PhD as Mum wanted me to, nor did I know what else to study. Also I was just not interested in getting a job. The fact that the parents did not allow me to step too far away from our home town did not help either. And so, equipped with ‘the very many choices’ that I had, I took up two courses (4 hours away from home by car), in the metropolis of New Delhi. I dropped out of one mid way, completed the other, sucked up my rebellion and headed back home because of a HORRIBLY GHASTLY year of constantly being short of money, no friends, lying cheating rent mates, and no where else to escape to.

Back home with limited choice of work opportunities and two years of working in a job that did not do much for me, I have come to realize that my lack of career drive has left me feeling rather stuck in a quicksand of sorts, that is not quick enough in ending my present misery of being neither married, nor employed.

At 28, marriage still hasn’t happened, and even though chances of it happening are still on my side as long as I am alive, I still think it’s about time that I don’t count on that being the only aim towards happiness in my life. I may not have started the foundation of a career to my liking, but I can build around whatever I have now and start afresh, right?

So suck it up once again I must, and re-plan my life now before it passes me by entirely. I must do what I failed to do when the time was right before, and choose an avenue this time where in I shall be the master of my calling, inshAllah.

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