Thursday, 3 March 2011

Haunts That Taunt; Salvation Sought!

You've done this before, and You'll help again; again and again, as many times as help shall be needed or sought. With this faith I find myself able to survive. It is the crossroads that I have arrived on again. The before has become alive now, and this now is harder to forget than it was before. Could it be that I had been so successful in dealing with the gravity of it all in the past, that I have forgotten the struggle of it then? Could it be possible that the struggle anew is to remind myself of the good that can come of it, if successfully dealt with again? What fails to make sense is, why that? Why that, which no one else would understand unless they were to have lived it, seen it, or been through something akin to it themselves? Someone who is not aware of the issue can never understand the issue. Between this logic I see a thin road that is hard for all to tread. Barely any are able to find a foothold firm enough to get past a step or two at best. The test for me remains, to keep my silence and maintain respect despite the odds. My love for her lives in my soul, for her to know, for Him to bless, and for me to be able to successfully share with her. This I find hard, but am adamant to achieve it, sooner than later. It is the silently monitored respect for the other half that I find interspersed between a better me and a weak me. The better me had succeeded in forgiving, but the weaker me could not forget. The better me had managed to bury if not forget for most part, but the weaker me has managed to let it trickle back into my now as it stands today. It's unwelcome presence in my now is affecting my better judgment and making me more weaker than better. My fight against the weaker me, is essential for me to be able to find some peace for my eternity. Without that goal to achieve, my existence feels lost and wasted. In the trapped hollow of that one wretched WHY, I cannot allow myself to despair and excuse all my wrongs. While being judged for my weaknesses, I pray for a renewal of strength, faith, and guidance from You, The One Who Knows Best, and to be saved from losing my way on the slippery road of pride and its other wretched brethren. In Your All Empowering Light I hope to be Enveloped, In Your All Healing Embrace I pine to be Held.

In aspirations thus I let my tears glide over my guilt and wrong doings that I am aware of, or not, and with this prayer I struggle towards some residue of peace to be found...

... InshaAllah, Ameen!

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