Wednesday, 31 March 2010

Nobody...

To call my own.
Nobody.

I lay down in mumma's arms today. That was the closest to peace it could get for a few minutes.

*sigh*

On my ride home today I was thinking, ''Does anyone think about their Kafan? About how they would like for themselves to be washed, and wrapped up? Who would wash them? How would the person washing, be feeling?'' I think, in an unattached yet very realistic note, I would like to be layed down spritzed with my favorite perfume around my neck, shoulders and ears. I think the only person I could imagine washing me, would be my mother.

At this moment, I really dont know what to feel about these thoughts. I mean, I cant even imagine to put my mother through that, but life happens. Anything in life could happen. It has perhaps already happened to so many out there. Im not thinking about killing myself. Im only preparing myself for death, for whenever it may arrive. To deny that, would be to become an unbeliever. To remind myself of it, helps me push myself to think about all that I need to do, to fix myself before this time arrives.

Sometimes the sins we have committed seem like they will never be forgiven. The reminder of them, despite repetitive deep and undying remorse, is like a shard of glass that pierces through everything that would/could be in wretched pain thus, in my body.

Pray for that forgiveness I do regardless.


YOU, my Allah were supposed to stop me.
YOU, my Allah knew me better.
YOU, my Allah let the devil take over.
YOU, my Allah can only Save me.
YOU, my Allah I wish to please.
YOU, my Allah I ask for peace.
YOU, my Allah are my only Respite, my All, my Everything.

For YOU I will let go of things that YOU would Want me to, but I will require help immense inorder to do so, and that can only come from YOU!

4 comments:

Anonymous said...

I gave ghusl once, to my little cousin. Strange that my mother- who is always so strong and practical- could only hug the wall and sob.
And i- who cry at books and sad glances and little awkward silences- found the strength to wash a little girl who, in life, was always flickering movement and smiles.

i dont remember much of that day now. im grateful for the oblivion. now i only have the memory of her tiny feet, curled up in sleep.

don't ever wish for the day your mother must keep her strength when there is no need for it anymore.
rather pray that the way of your parting will always be a consolation to both of you. that when your parents leave, you will miss them but be glad for their auspicious passing. And the same for you, ameen.

Hayaah said...

Ameen.

Reading your comment -about your cousin, you, and about my parents- left me with tears!

Thanx for reading and sharing.
JazakAllah Khayr!

ommarah said...

Hayaah..oh my goodness..that is a haunting blog indeed..our passing...recently a dear friend passed away..he passed away when I felt I was the closest to him any other person could be..think I was speaking to him more regularly than his own parents ..to cut the story short...death in unavoidable and a basic religious fundamental for us... but still it happens to so many ppl around us..and we feel let down and wonder why, now , why did they have to taken..and why do we keep living..then our time will come...wonderment and thinking bout it -just the thought can send a chill down the spine..God save us from our selves..we have the immense ability to be self destructive

Hayaah said...

I read your post after his passing away...
I can only try to imagine what it would feel like...

Those chills down our spine are very real, yet I think, also important to remain steadfast in faith and the hope to do right in this life, with all/most situations...

God save us from ourselves indeed, for as you say, our immense ability to be self destructive can be lethal...

Ameen to being under His Shade at all times, in sh Allah!!!