Wednesday, 16 December 2009
Lies So Deep
Lies so deep that
Make it hard to sleep.
Lie awake and weep
Hush dear heart
don't be weak.
Allah swt takes care of all
supplicate to find His peace...
Behind closed doors and windows, one thinks that their voice is safely locked in from the outside.
The scars that the hearts listening from within hold, last forever…
People think that discussing the issues one has with their family, with anyone from the outside, is like breaking an unsaid code; like airing dirty laundry in public or some such.
I need the release.
I don’t think I am going to be saying anything that wouldn’t be obvious to another pair of eyes present around me at the time of when the events I wish to find release from, happened.
Perhaps everyone has different view points on the rights and wrongs of what one shares about their family’s. I feel there is nothing to hide when Allah swt Himself is witness to all, and what is there to hide when THE most important Power is witnessing all anyways?!
Allah swt knows Best…
My father is normally a good man. He is actually quite a nice person in many ways, for people who work for him, with him, selective relatives and people he generally likes and cares for.
I have always failed to understand why he is so harsh to those that should come first – To his Mother, his only Brother, his Wife, his Children. What I find hard to digest on a daily basis (almost every day off late) is the tone of voice he uses with my mother. The way he emotionally abuses her during every moment of their -albeit- rare exchange. What I find even more helpless to deal with, is how my mum simply takes it all in her stride because this is what she has lived with for all these years and she feels she can’t raise her voice to him, even when he is being OBVIOUSLY obnoxious. I am ‘‘only’’ a daughter. He can easily threaten to throw me out of the house (which he seems to have done more often in the last few years, each time I have stood up to him about a matter concerning my mother or sister). I know that in the long run, in order to preserve my own sanity, I cannot live under the same roof as him. My mum will never leave him. She would rather die (ana’azubillah) than bear the thought of a separation or divorce at this time in her life. He truly makes her miserable, feel worthless, and she refuses to see it. This is what pains me most; Her constant denial! There really is no way to help her in all actuality, and the whole façade of their existence as husband and wife in front of family and friends depresses me beyond sanity. I DO NOT know how to react to such a situation when all my blood does is boil every time he picks on her, unprovoked (or so those witnessing the ensuing events feel, except for him). What makes it all even more hypocritical is how he thinks he is completely in the right, religiously, and ‘‘inshaAllah’’ he will not be punished (His words soon after he uses them as a lash). Perhaps it’s HIS mental state that is in denial? At the time my heart wishes no forgiveness for his behavior. Allah swt is All-Just and He knows Best indeed. But in the mean whilst, I ache and live on lost, unable to watch my mother live such an unsupported existence, constantly being emotionally abused, unappreciated, and made to feel like she is a waste of life, who is forever wrong in whatever she says or does (most of the times – honestly not a 100% of the time but definitely MOST of the time to be noticed as such).
How can anyone be so brutal?
How does one cope with someone, such being one’s own father and not hate him?
How does one ask Allah swt for forgiveness, for feeling such angst for a parent, who is the reason for the suffering of the other parent?
All kinds of approaches have been tried. He refuses to change. He has his good moments in life. It is only that when compared, the painful ones supercede the good ones, at least to me as a human with my limited view they certainly do so.
It is all these traits of my own father that leave me often feeling like I will always be alone in this lifetime, because when I myself can’t handle him, why would anyone else?
It is like being stuck between a rock and a hard place, in all totality of issues…
[To my mother…]
Your time will come, hush my sweet
Your patience undying
Will not shed tears to waste when weeped
They say you have paradise under your feet
As The One Lord is your witness
Your pains will be gains
They will not go un-noticed, be not ashamed
In the afterlife, your deserved fruits are guaranteed
Toil on in your honesty
In humility, your prisitne shield
Will save you from scars blinding
Your deeds that today make you feel weak
Shall stand out boldly, unfold all
And for you ultimately one by one speak!
… iA, Ameen.