Wednesday, 23 September 2009
Pent up fury and rage is what I feel for you when my heart feels ripped apart from knowing that we can not be... We cannot be for so many reasons that make sense. Then why doesnt this make sense. This emptiness that has taken over my being since Ive started blocking you out from my head.
What happened between us is something I will never be able to comprehend. When things changed and became so stubbornly rooted is what I cannot remember. I do remember knowing that I constantly kept reminding myself that this was not a place to be. It was not right. It could not be. And yet I lost myself in it nevertheless. I began hurting myself afresh when i started finding meaning in you.
I lost myself inspite of myself, and yet despite myself I lost myself. I died a little; once again. Another memory of love to repress. Another tornado of feelings to tame. Dreams to be buried and hopes to lay to rest. Pray for reprieve. It has come before. It will come again. My existence seems to be based on picking up the peices and surging on ahead with faith of something making things better tomorrow. A tomorrow that I keep searching for. No, I still havent found it. What I have found in the quest of it is some more memories to talk myself into laying to rest. Why? Because re-living them hurts. Something that could not find a meaning beyond a hope, a waste of emotions resurrected- for what? More pain. I want no more pain.
I can crush my feelings for you. I know because I have had to crush feelings before. My own too. I had never thought of myself as a person who would love more than once. If only we knew while growing up how much love our heart can encompass. How different it is and can be each time it hits you. How much each time can hurt with an agony similar and yet deeper than the last. But with each new pain we would think we were getting stronger and more able to cope. Perhaps we are. Or perhaps we are just learning to numb it all out and channel our energies and everything else that reminds us of our loss, elsewhere. Sometimes successfully and sometimes so miserably that it just takes us on by surprise like a flood of emotions that we do not know what to do with anymore.
How to react? How to pray for it all to go away. How to keep our faith staunch in our Maker to heal all sorrows and scars. How to keep solid our tie with Him, that He will help. He will help. Indeed He will help. I know that in my heart. I also feel this pain in my heart. I know He will fix it. Only He can. He has before and He will again. He will fix your pain too. I do not have the strength left in me to help you with your pain while I struggle here with mine. I am fighting here to survive my faith in Him, of Him making it all right. So please dont make this any harder for me and just be strong for yourself now and let me fight my battle here for me to hold on to this faith of mine...
You have taught me to love myself. You walked me towards a road where you insisted I have faith in myself. You told me I could do anything I set my mind to do so. You had faith in me when I saw nothing to feel worthy of in my being. You taught me to believe in myself and never look back. And so based on my lessons that I have learnt while I walked with you, I shudder at my decision to do this today, knowing that one day may be you will stop hurting and see where I was coming from and why I had to do this. I am so tired of holding on... I dont even know what name to give to this, what ever it is that I have been holding on to...
So I will now let go, albiet saying that I did love you. In a way that one day will stop hurting but I always will continue doing so. For now I will close the door. I can not let it stay ajar anymore. I love Him far more. I need my respite. I need my respite now, so please forgive me and look upto Him too, to help you as well, as He shall me. With the hope of you seeking His aid, I will find some peace.
Oh my Lord... help me let go. Help me move on. Help me find the right way that you have made for me to find myself on. I want to find myself already. This lonely journey of mine is not one that tempts me anymore. Take me back to where You are, or please ascertain my path with You in this transient existence that I am to live today...