Thursday, 14 May 2009

The Test of Everyday...

Everyday begins with a new test we have to give...

I ask myself how I shall fare today? Will I be disappointing myself? Will I be proud of myself? At the end of the day, will I have accomplished some good? For me, for those whom I love, for the people around me -those that I know and don't, will I have reached out to someone who needed a smile and a helping hand, or will I end up hurting someone with the choice of my words and my mood of the moment? I think about how I have awoken to the blessing of a new day and I wonder if I will be able to do that blessing any justice with my existence today?

I had been going to sleep off late with a happy content heart (for the most part), ever grateful for all that I had and was lucky to be blessed with. Then yesterday I went to sleep with a heavy heart wondering why I had to weaken, why I had to break the promise I had made to myself (yet again), and partially not even be sad that it happened, but at the same time hate myself for caving in to my human desire being unable to curb it. I completely disappointed myself last night by not being stronger and ignoring my need. I disappointed my Maker by falling in His eyes, in my eyes and weakening. I wept and begged for forgiveness and I slept fitfully. I awakened wondering how today I had a chance to continue repenting. I had not died in my sleep. I had today to make amends. I am human. I can't always expect myself to be flawless in my faith and its bondages. They are bondages only when my heart weakens and the devil takes over. I am sure of it. I pray and hope I will be forgiven. I shamefully seek the shade of my Lord to please forgive me my errors and accept my pleas for amends... I beg Him to understand that He made me human and thus I am only that - unable to be perfect!

I hope to be pardoned and blessed with more tomorrows in which I can better myself in my own eyes once again and truly believe that I am as good a human being that I can be in my moment of blessing, ie. this life... I want to be a better me... I really really do.

Please Allah (swt) take over my thoughts and actions and guide me as only You best can!

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