Thursday, 15 January 2009

I want to let go...

I am trying to understand what happened. How everything around me came crashing down, and relationships of old were uprooted brutally, torn and wrangled into a mess irrepairable from where I see it right now...

How words destruct so tragically is something my mind at the moment feels at a loss to put its arms around, in hopes to understand, perhaps even remotely?

Im left struggling in between, my heart pulled in every direction there is, not knowing how to pacify the pain struck out to one, and not hurt the other by feeling deserted in ''their'' time of need. Everyones time of need has come together at the same time, and im lost in the middle trying to divide myself fairly... my heart is feeling crushed... the rips are resounding louder and louder, and im unable to latch on to the right approach, with which I could perhaps heal everyone, and all will be well again...

Damage wrought now, is leaving me even more alone than I thought I already was... my words getting more lonely as I write... not a soul left around to hear my pain... the one who truly heard me, has been struck too hard, too deep, that I must let go of him, for his sake... and speak to myself alone here on...

No one will understand...
I dont have the heart to explain anymore...
The pain is pumping too deep with all I know...

I want to let go...

I want to let go...

I want to - just - let - go...

But I must pray for now...

I cannot die just yet... I have to wait for the breaths to stop on their own...

Until then, I must keep breathing...

If only I could perhaps for the time being, stop feeling?

Oh my Lord, please help me stop feeling!
I implore you from the core of my being!
Please help me stop feeling!

... or else please fix this?

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